Sun...Sag.! (Don't ask a Sag., "does this make me look fat!?"-They'll TELL YA'!)
Moon...Aries (Headstrong, impulsive day. Just do it and you intend to!)
Phase...waxing...(do you feel like you have to summon the strength to "just do it!"?)
Time...12:45pm
Mood...reflective.
Sound...Karen Carpenter, "Merry Christmas Darling."
Weather...66 and overcast in DC
BirthdayShoutOuts to: Ben Stiller (#41), G. Gordon Liddy (#76) and Dick Clark! (#77!) )

QuoteDiva sez: "Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will." -james stephens

...how would you describe your mom? Each one is soo different! My mom was one part Grace Kelly in her refinement and poise. She was one part Carol Burnette in her humor. I'd say she had a sprinkling of Cher because I never knew what she'd look like when I got home from school. She was big on wigs and new doos! And there was a teensy bit of Mommie Dearest in her! (ALL MOMMIES have the gene for that, it's to what degree we actually exhibit the trait! )

She started off a gangly, ugly duckling and by the time she was 19 she was all of 100lbs, 5'7, slightly buck teeth with a slight speech impediment due to a badly healed cleft palate surgery when she was young. But my dad saw something beautiful in her and I think it was that love and that inner confidence in herself that helped her blossom, albeit a little later than most. Between nature taking its course and the fact that she was thrust in the role of soldier's wife, she continued to grow and flourish. She loved the life of traveling and going to parties.

By the time of my memories, she was not that skinny, buck toothed girl. She was shapely, had beautiful teeth and she was not just any soldier's wife, she was a Master Sergeant's wife and that was a position of prestige but also responsibility, socially but she wore the mantel well!

She could do it all! Cook, sew, draw, weave, spin wool, ceramics... In 1977 she graduated from FSU at the age of 47! She was always active.

Dad retired in '72 and in '74 mom discovered yet another lump in her breast. She had always had cysts but this time was different. This time it was serious.

Over the next 8 years my mother fought gallantly. I never once saw her cry. I never once heard her complain. She dealt with two mastectomies, radiation, chemo, lymphectomies and at one point she had no skin to cover her chest, so they had to graft skin from her thigh.

It was because she never complained that allowed me to be a typically self concerned teen girl with my personal angst. I was never privy to the full story or condition my mom was in so I didn't feel as much compassion or sympathy as I should have. In fact, I'd roll up my eyes and sigh deeply when it was time to drive her to her radiation or chemo treatments. Then I'd sit in the lobby watching General Hospital and lamenting the fact no boys seemed to be interested in me,...all the while, my mom fighting for her life. If I think about my selfish ways back then, I'll cry. It is my one greatest regret in my life. I wish I could go back in time and be there for my mom more. Had she cried, had she shown me fear, I might have. I often think had the situation been reversed, she would have been there for me and twenty times over. I wasn't there for her.

My father was, thank God. He was such a good, loving, supportive husband. It really was, 'til death did them part.'

Through these 8 years when she was up to it (which was most of the time despite her illness) she was there for me, taking photos of me in dance class, sewing costumes, driving me to class, baking foods for school, helping me with projects, basically being my biggest fan and yes, harshest critic.) She had her peculiar habits and was not the most sympathetic when it came to me crying or feeling down but it was that same near intolerance that actually helped her fight the cancer for longer than most could.

In August of '82 our roles reversed. I became the mother, she the child. I took care of her, cleaned up after her and told her what to do. It was a strange thing having a mom that was pretty domineering suddenly become as helpless and ornery as a two year old,..a very sick two year old. I had no siblings so it was just me. Dad had to keep working.

Finally by mid November, she had gotten too sick to remain home. She went into the hospital.

My last memory of her was Monday, Nov. 29th. I went up there (when dad said it was time to go visit, I rolled my eyes up and thought,..why bother, she doesn't even remember who I am. Can you imagine such a thought from a loving daughter?) I went grudgingly. I remember thinking,.."I'd rather stay home and listen to my new Joe Jackson album.)

Before I left her that night, I walked over to her, bent down and said "MOM I'M GOING TO CUT MY HAIR!" I said it for shock value. She had been telling me for the last five years, don't cut my hair,...you won't look like a ballerina if you cut your hair, how will you get it in a bun???"

I got no reaction. I didn't think I would.

I cried. I said, mom, do you remember me?

No response. A minute later she whispered,.."Carl, Carl? Where are you." (she was calling for my dad.)

I cried harder. "Do you love me??"

She mouthed, "no"

I could barely say, "Goodbye mom" I never said good bye. I always said goodnight. Why did I say, good BYE?

The next day, November 30th, 1982 at 3pm she passed away. A precious, rara avis had flown these earthly confines.

She wasn't my biological mother but she loved me like I she was and then some. Sometimes she had a different way of showing it but I also knew she did. While I'm not like her in many ways, I do find, the older I get, the more I understand her thought processes and I find myself thinking the same way or at least "getting her" more.

Sun...Sagittarius
Moon...Pisces
Phase...65% full, waxing gibbous.
Time...10:55am
Weather...foggy and 52 degrees in DC
Mood...slowly coming alive with coffee.
Song..."Deck The Halls" by SheDaisy
BirthdayShoutOuts to: Howie Mandel (#51), Kim Delaney, (#45) and Garry Shandling (#58)
QuoteDiva sez: "It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird!" -anon.

SabianChallenge: CANCER 3
AN ARCTIC EXPLORER LEADS A REINDEER THROUGH ICY CANYONS

By adapting to changing needs and being constantly aware of difficulties, success can be achieved. You will probably need to persevere and progress slowly. There is really no possibility of stopping, the situation could freeze-up in an instant. You may be surprised by "icy" feelings and cold responses from others, or from yourself. Although you have the natural elements to help, it is more a time of struggling through unusual difficulties than creating the proper appearance.

...I don't have a thick skin. Never have. And it's ONE of a few things about the professional world of dance that I wasnt ready to tackle. I'm someone that doesn't like to fight, I am not one of these derisive, confrontational people and I wasn't raised with parents that fought. I had no siblings and since I picked friends that were like me, I just never grew the balls to handle people telling me negative things in a callous way. This is not to say I can't take criticism (who REALLY likes to) if it's presented in a constructive way. But to be told something with no regard to my feelings,...go fuck yourself! (I'd never say that but I would think it and then maybe cry or snivel.)

SOOOO...my point is that if, IF I do choose to go into something such as voice over work or some acting, even if it's just local, I will need to arm myself with a very thick hide. People are pretty much going to tell me thanks but no thanks and/or they might add some nasty comments. When I'm first learning I might get a coach that really tells it like it is. Considering the greatest predictor of the future is past behavior (thanks Dr. Phil! )I get a little nervous that I might not be able to cut it.

I'm not sure HOW to grow a thick skin. Except to just get out there and do it. But I've run away in the past. When the going got rough, I got out of the situation. I ran away from college, a couple of jobs, from people, from activities. Forty four years of ducking and weaving and now I find myself face to face with the prospects of moving towards something I've wanted all my adult life. What will I do when the rubber meets the road?

I hope I don't disappoint myself.

I truly DO feel like that Arctic explorer, leading her reindeer! I'm about to go through the icy canyons and across some ice and a blizzard is closing in. There IS no going back. I can't go back. I must press on, feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I can't let MYSELF down, for once, I've got to make MYSELF proud.

It's not like I don't have the support and love behind me. But it's funny,...you can have all the talent and backing and support in the world but how YOU feel deep INSIDE, any fears and insecurities can stop you dead in your tracks or at least slow you down to a crawl and until you fix that situation, noBODY and noTHING can help you. YOU become your one and only obstacle.

I can't be my own obstacle. I must get up and over and press on!

~pr~

Sun...Sag.
Moon...Pisces
Phase...1st Quarter (time to get things started!)
Weather...55 degrees and overcast in DC!
Time...1:10pm
Mood...anxious and frustrated but happy to be back HOME!
Sound...Theme to HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
BirthdayShoutOuts To: Berry Gordy (of Motown fame)(#77), actor, Ed Harris (#56) and whack job, Anna Nicole Smith (#39)
QuoteDiva sez: "Genuine beginnings begin within us even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities." -William Bridges.

SabianSymbolChallenge: ARIES 24
AN OPEN WINDOW AND A NET CURTAIN BLOWING INTO THE SHAPE OF A CORNUCOPIA

Your mind is open to possibilities that are being 'blown' in from the realm of spirit. There is an abundance coming that will be self-sustaining. Look for out of the ordinary opportunities. Realizing that in one's everyday life, one has it all.

Imagination. Keeping your options open. The promise of fruition. The breath of life filling you with inspiration. Open windows and doors.

The Caution: Relying on your spiritual ideas to provide material sustenance, thinking that good luck will just 'blow in'.

...

First of all, boy does it feel good to be back in my own comfortable home! I'm sitting at my own desk, in my own room, watching my own tv. When I go downstairs, I know where everything is in the kitchen! When I want to hop on the treadmill, I can! I can run around in my jammies all day if I want to! If I don't want to socialize, no one will think I'm antisocial!

But I have to tell you and this does have to do with the writing challenge of the day.. There IS a lot of abundance that has come into my life! And that includes a very easy going, well-mannered future sis in law, brother in law and two very nice nieces, ages 20 and 18 years. My brother in law is down to earth and a good ole boy who has a funny sense of humor. My sister in law to be is God fearing but doesn't ram it down your throat. My soon to be nieces are in college or headed for college. My mom in law while not in perfect health, was in good enough health to criticize SIL and fiance every step of the way during the food prep and had her wits about her to give the older daughter a hell of a time about what she was wearing! (She's a clothes hound and has a great sense of style but MIL said she looked like a dime store hooker! Oh that crazy "Miss Daisy!" God bless her!

God has indeed blessed me with a good family (and blessedly small) to marry into! My friend J., her Thanksgiving was a shambles as it is every year, between her self professed kooky family and her mom in law. Even when I was married, I must say, my ex's family was a good family. I just didn't LET myself get too emotionally vested in them. I might not with this family, but that's just me, not a reflection of them! It's my personality I suppose...a hint of the loner, deep inside...(alone but not lonely.)

This Christmas will be more abundant as well. In my married life we were always scrimping and saving and going without and xmas with three young kids was always a bit stressful, money wise. Then when I was on my own, I had nothing to give my kids because I had given it all as child support to their father.

My fiance also had fairly bleak holidays the past 12 years due to the soon to be ex's strange idiosyncrasies. She wasnt into family and didn't decorate much. She was a vegan so "feasts" weren't part of the holidays either.

But this year, my fiance will experience what its like to have kids around (albeit, three teens.) and he and I get to put up a tree and decorate the outside of a house! Were like kids this year and while on our vacation in Asheville, we must have sunk about $100 just in tree ornaments. I had none, his ex took theirs soo....we were starting from scratch. Living in an efficiency, without the kids around for Xmas, I didn't bother getting any size tree. I didnt decorate my tiny place. But now, the sky is the limit.

I have been so blessed these past 16 months. And it continues. I just have to remember to be in a perpetual state of thankfulness.

Well, it's official, Rubble is back to bloggin'! I say that because my cat Chloe has caught wind of me tapping away on the new laptop here and she's sniffing it wondering where it came from. (Where's that ole clunky, black one of daddy's you were using!!? =^..^= she asks!)

Abundance is indeed blowing in....and I am grateful for all I've received over the past year and a half. I wish for the same wind of abundance to blow your way, especially during this holiday season!

~pr~

Sun...Scorpio
Moon...Libra (great day to get your hair done, I did! And a great day to grant nature some rest.)
Phase...Last Quarter
Time...1pm
Weather...66, humid and rainy as hell in DC
Sound..."Killing Me Softly" -Lauren Hill version
Mood...ok.
BirthdayShoutOuts to: Lisa "The Crazy Huxtable" Bonet, Dwight "Bad boy of Baseball" Gooden (#42) Oksana "She's-Lucky-She-Isn't-Dead." Baiul. (#29)
QuoteDiva sez: "I saw this wino eating grapes. I was like 'Dude, you have to wait!" -Mitch Hedberg (he was the best!)

SabianChallenge: Capricorn 9 degrees. An angel comes carrying a harp. You may feel that you are able to tune in and radiate harmony around you. This pictures a situation of caring for others, of generosity and a fulfilled selfhood. Inspiring people to do their best can being rewards to all concerned.

hmm...

Yesterday Blockbuster sent me one of my all time top 20 movies, "The Turning Point." (Shirley MacClain, Anne Bancroft, Mikhail Baryshnikov) I first saw the movie as a bright eyed, young and effervescent and HOPEFUL 15 year old. (1977) For Christmas I got the book and read it in one sitting.

I watch it once a decade! So yesterday was time again. I watched it and it transported me instantly to those days when the world was my oyster, anything was possible, not just in dance, but for my life in general!

The story is about two women, one made the choice to go full steam ahead with her dance career and the other made the decision to have a child, wed and go that route. We all have that turning point, don't we. We come to forks in the road and we have to make a call. Right? Left? Some could argue that we have a choice to do nothing or retreat. But most of us either go right or left. Some of us wildcards and rebels go right up the middle! But that's discussion for another post!



I too had that point in my young life. Do I pursue dance professionally with a top company? Or do I admit to myself that I just don't have it in me, not physically or mentally or emotionally. After much thought, I knew what I had to do.

I decided to try and go to college but that didn't pan out but what did was becoming a local dancer and dance teacher.

When I was a teen, I danced with a a girl, two years younger and when we first met she was this gangly colt of a kid who didn't know what she was doing. But in a matter of a few years she was "discovered" and suddenly I started to read about her and see her on tv. But she had a turning point too. She had a half hour show on the public tv station all about her and her decision to either pursue college or go on with her ballet. Imagine a whole show about you at the age of 18!! At least I wasn't under a microscope with my life choices.

She chose dance. She later went on to appear on Live at Wolftrap, danced with the Joffrey Ballet and eventually took Broadway by storm in Fosse and Movin' Out (which by the way people, is an AWESOME show, featuring the music of Billy Joel!!)She's even been in a few movies.

As I was getting older, and starting my family, I'd read about her or see her and feel like I was Shirley MacClaine to her Anne Bancroft. I often thought, is she happy with HER life? I wasn't too thrilled with mine.

There was envy on my part. How could there not be. I remember days when I was the better dancer! But she was naturally gifted with a great mind and a ballerina's body. My mom used to take a lot of photos of us girls and guys in class so I have a few of her and it's fun looking at them. I wonder if she even remembers me?

I went on to be the teacher, just like Shirley did. I went on to work with children, teens and adults. The majority of my students were 4-16 and I know I served them well and I did inspire many. They have come back over the years to tell me I did. This was one of the ways I served others at that point in my life. And teaching the art of dance and sharing my interest for it was quite rewarding. My hard work and sincere interest in helping both young and old, all races, creeds, cultures, and physical aptitudes, including the disabled, brought me so much heartfelt joy.

Elizabeth Heath Parkinson, (of course I always remembered your middle name, how many HEATHS does a person know!) wherever you are, (somewhere in NY wowing audiences, no doubt)I hope you have had a great life and weren't sorry with your choice. I'm sure you would have made a terrific attorney! And maybe I would have made a damn fine actress/dancer if I had made that call.

But my life is what it is and now as I go into a whole other direction career wise as well as along my life path, I pray that I find the same sense of joy and reward and that I can continue to inspire others.

~pr~

Sun...Scorpio
Moon...Virgo (it's all about practical expressions of affection.)
Phase...Last Quarter Phase
Time...9:30pm
Weather...57 degrees in DC
Sound...Dancing With The Stars in the background. GO MARIO!
Mood...good, a bit of a headache so what's new?
BirthdayShoutOuts To: "Mr. Grraannntt" Ed Asner (#77), Frida "ABBA" Lynstad (#61) and Petulia "DOWNTOWN" Clark (the first top 40 song I ever remember!) (#74)
QuoteDiva sez: "Creativity is a flower that praise brings to bloom, but discouragement often nips in the bud." -alex f. osborn

SabianChallenge: Libra 17 degrees. A retired sea captain watches ships enter and leaving the harbor. It's time for quiet recollection. You may feel that the stormy, unpredictable, emotional life is something you can leave behind. But like the sea captain, there will always be the frustration in the desire to return. Memories and peaceful contemplation. Writing one's memoirs.

hmm..

Well, I'll have to say that I'm a bit distracted. First off, I don't usually let my daily post go until the sun goes down and I am a bit upset because Mario Lopez didn't win Dancing With The Stars! As a former dancer and teacher, I can tell you that he was truly more talented and deserving but I give you that Emmit was a crowd favorite and is a good mover and shaker! But Mario had more polish and technique.

O.k., now that I got that out of the way...Well, it goes with what I was talking about yesterday. During this time of my life, there is much retrospection occuring, much waxing nostalgic and peaceful contemplation! It IS important that I get some words down for my family which consists of three kids, one, 19 a young woman who has been privvy to more of my frustrations not only as a mother but a woman. She has seen things I wish she hadn't seen and I told her things that while my intention was simply to always be communicative, upon re-thinking it... I realize I visited too much on her at too early of an age. The lines between being her mom and a friend blurred a bit when I felt so alone and exasperated within my marriage. She lives with my fiance and I and the other day I talked with her. I was saddened because even though she lives under the same roof, I felt like she was 1000 miles away and my daughter that actually IS 1000 miles away, feels like she lives with me. My oldest is the quiet type and reserved. She is a deep thinker and the older she gets, the further away she gets or seems to get. So I expressed such things with her. I told her I didn't expect her to be my best buddy but just meet me half way and talk to me every once in awhile. Her dad and her have not spoken since March. He has not made an effort to be the grown up in this conflict and they are both stubborn. Meanwhile another day goes by and they aren't in contact. I don't want that to happen with us. But it seemed to me that I was always the one to reach out. And I was growing tired of it.

What she said in response was shocking and disheartening. She told me that she doesn't talk much, she doesn't come out of her room much because it always seems like I'm in a bad mood or agitated or aggravated. I disagreed. She said well that's the way it was earlier this summer.

I told her to put on that psychologist hat of hers (she wants to be one one day)and you tell me what was going on with me. Not only did I quit a job I had held for 8 years but I moved four states away. That's a lot of transition for me to deal with. I reminded her of her own move from FL to OR last October. I asked her if she too didn't have some down days. She left her home, her dad, came out to live with a boyfriend, didn't have her friends or a job. She agreed on that point. And to top things off, suddenly I had all three kids under a decent roof. I hadn't been a full time mom in 6 years. I used to get my kids every other weekend since the divorce. And I was only a year into a new relationship, hell my fiance and I are just starting to know each other.

But she reminded me that most of her growing up years 0-14 were spent seeing me perpetually upset and angry. That is her perception. I will say that yes, a lot of the time I was utterly frustrated with my marriage and my life during those years. But it wasn't ALL bad but I guess I can see where a kid would see what she sees. But how could I tell her everything. I couldn't tell her about some of the more stressful things that occurred in the marriage. How do you tell your kid that her dad wasn't a very nice man in the bedroom, especially when he was drunk. You can't can you. She saw some of the things he'd do some of the time but she didn't get the full picture.

So now 5 years later, she recalls what it was, she thought I was like and she has half the story and I have to bite my tongue and let her continue to think and remember what she does. All I can say is that maybe one day she'll find herself in my former shoes and she'll be much more empathetic and hell, we might be able to sit at the table and over some hot tea, compare notes. Maybe then she'll admit that maybe I had reason to be angry and disgruntled so much of the time.

I had a bad marriage, I was not happy in my own skin, I had three kids, a small house, a dog, a job, a mortgage, a child with mental disabilities that in itself created much stress within the household.

So daughter, sorry if I wasn't smiling all the time. Sorry if I couldn't cover it up at home. But she'll be the first to tell you that in public I put on my gameface and not only that, I did one hell of a job at whatever career it was I was doing at the time, whether it was teaching dance or teaching preschool.

Am I unhappy now? No. I double checked with fiance to find out if I was in a bad mood all the time. He said no. So on this point, my daughter is not around me long enough to see the real me and she never bothers to ask. But then she's 19 and how close does she feel she needs to be with me. Honestly, when you were 19, did you want to hang with your mom.

My perspective on that is a bit different. At 19 my mom was about a year away from dying. And about three months after I turned 20 she went downhill and in Nov. of '82, she wasn't around at all anymore.

So daughter, please know,..I'm not unhappy. I'm in the best place I've ever been in my life. If you wanted to talk to me, you'd know this. And if you think I don't get you, that I don't know you,..well, it's hard when you never talk to me other than to say hi mom, bye mom.

I'm sure we'll come back together in the near future.

Until then, I'll make sure you are safe, fed and driven to work. I'll continue to love you as I have these past 19 years. And if the worse should happen and these are the last words I was to write, then know that I wanted to be closer and I'm sorry for how I made you feel during your childhood. But I was doing the best I could with what I had within me. I'm only human and one day you'll truly understand that, perhaps when you become a wife and mother yourself!

And one day young miss, you too will be sitting at your desk, quietly and peacefully contemplating and waxing nostalgic, missing your kids and being sorry for some of the things that happened in their childhood and you'll remember mom and admit,.."Mom,..I get it now." And I hope I'm still around to hear those words dear daughter.

~pr~