Sun...Aquarius
Time...2:20pm
Weather..sunny, bright, 26 degrees, snow on the g...er, ICE on the ground.
Mood...a teensy frustrated but generally ok.
Sound...Rush Limbaugh show (I know, I know,...don't say it! I'm too lazy to get up and change it and besides, there's a guest host today.)
BirthdayShoutOutsTo: Ice-T, John McEnroe, Sonny Bono, LaVar Burton, Hugh Beaumont.


QuoteDiva sez: "A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle." -benjamin franklin

MY SIX MINUTES STARTS....NOW!!! hmmm

Ten years is a decade...a decade is a long ass time. But boy doesn't it go by fast? Sometimes it seems to drag on, day after day after day until one day you stop, think and realize OMG..it's been ten years!

Where were you ten years ago (1997) and where are you now and where do you see yourself 10 years from now. Think about it. I'd love to hear your thoughts!

As for me:

Ten years ago, Feb. 16th, 1997, I was 10 years into marriage and I didn't want to be married anymore. I had cheated on him, he had hit me. We lived under a cloud of suspicion, he thought, "would she cheat on me again?" I thought, "will he hit me again?"


Financially we were doing badly and he had two jobs, I had a job and cared for three kids ages 10, 8 and 6 years. I had stopped teaching dance a few years prior and was working in a cubby as a typist bored out of my gourd but it paid pretty good.

I had secret dreams of moving out, getting my own place and maybe pursuing a career in voice over. But I had no money of my own. But deep down inside I did have dreams and through it all, a big piece of my soul said, DONT GIVE UP THESE DREAMS!

I was healthy, just melancholy about my life as it stood. I could relate to Reba MacEntire's song, "Is There Life Out There?" I thought, IS this all there is for me?



Fast forward to this very day. I am in love, I am engaged to a man I've known since we were teens and life brought us back together almost two years ago! I live in a beautiful home and I no longer work. I want to but presently I am enjoying some much needed time off from having a boss! My kids are now almost 20 and 18 and just turned 16 and they are happy and healthy and love me and forgive me all my motherly transgressions! I drive in a safe Volvo, live in a safe neighborhood and the world is my oyster. My dreams are still locked away safely...the timing is almost right for their fruition. I am hopefully only months away from starting my journey to finding out where I came from and who I come from.



Ten years from now!? I'll be edging towards 55. I'll have a 30, 28 and 26 year old. I would like to be happily married, celebrating our 10th anniv., I want to be in a beautiful, comfortable, happy home in the mountains. I will want to be an actress and doing voice over work. I want to be helping vast amounts of women to feel empowered and enlightened (I want to be empowered and enli. too!) I want to have solved the mystery around my birth and early years. I want to weigh 115lbs...at 5'2 that sounds very fit! I want to be in great health for my age. I'd like to see my son happy and in a secure and comfortable group home, enjoying some vocation, with someone to love and I want my girls to give me a few grandkids to spoil!

O.k., now your turn!!! Don't be shy, step right up and share your thoughts!

-pr-

Sun...Aquarius
Time...5:10pm
Weather...Sunny and 26 degrees in DC
Sound...muffled voice of fiance on phone upstairs.
Mood...a little guilty about eating 996 calories worth of Shortcake!
BirthdayShoutOutsTo: Brandon Boyd (Incubus), Matt Groening (Simpsons creator), Jayne Seymour, Susan B. Anthony and Galileo.

QuoteDiva sez: "What do we live for if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?" -george eliot

MY SIX MINUTES BEGINS....NOW!! ....

(My thanks to Janine for the idea of this post)

My first love ahhh and sigh was a boy named Jimmy. His parents were good friends, long time friends of my parents. We visited Jimmy and family in the summer of '76 (I was 14 and about to start high school, he was a seasoned high schooler entering his Junior year.)

To make a long story short, he was gorgeous! About 5'11...dark hair, radiant smile, smart, shy, active in school...all American! He looked just like Donny Osmand. Well not quite but close enough!

That whole night was spent staring at him and then averting my eyes so it didn't look like I was staring at him.

The night ended, we went back to FL and I left my Jimmy in New York.

Three years later we met again. His father had died, mom remarried a man who lived in all places, my city in FL!!!!

We dated when he was down on college breaks.

My love grew (very one sided mind you!) I used to fantasize that we would marry and have a little girl named Elise!

His stepdad died, his mom returned to NY. In 1980 my mom and I came up there and stayed while I attended a dance camp. That was the last time I saw him. It was a bad summer...I hated the camp and Jimmy could have cared less that I was up there-he had a hot sexy college girlfriend.

He ended our time together the night before we left by kissing me on the forehead and telling me that I was the best one on stage that night and that I had a beautiful smile. (Thanks for nuffin' Jimmy)

I went home and spent the next two years still hoping against hope he'd change his mind about me and still dreaming of our little baby, Elise.

The last time we spoke was after my mom died in '82 we talked about his dad, my mom.

I still correspond with his mom, once a year via email and a xmas card. His mom is like 77 now. Jimmy, 47 this March 24th.

Where is he now? In 1982 he started showing signs of some neurological disease. He wanted to be a dentist but due to the affliction could only opt to do research. He has a PHD in dentistry research. Sometimes he has to get around in a scooter.

You know that old Garth Brooks song, "Unanswered Prayer." well in this case I'm glad God did NOT answer my prayers. Life would have been much different for me had he given me Jim.

So when I hear my daughter or any young girl carry on about one boy...I think about my Jimmy story and am tempted to say, "be careful what you wish for, you may just get it."

Jimmy has never corresponded with me. I wish I would. I told his mom several times throughout the years that I would LOVE to hear from him.

Nada. Oh well. I am so sorry for Jim's lot in life. Jimmy, I will never forget how beautiful you looked that very first day, standing in the doorway holding your cat...your smile was so bright and inviting and your eyes disarming!

(And I did have my "Elise"...only not with him!)

-pr-

Sun...Aquarius
Moon...Sagittarius (good day for a walk or hit the treadmill)
Time...2:40pm
Mood...cramps (hey, you asked! You didn't? Well you know now!)
Weather...41 degrees and overcast.
Sound...Divorce Court
BirthdayShoutOutsTo: Christina Ricci, Arsenio Hall, Ray Manzarek, Judy Blume, Abe Lincoln, Charles Darwin.
QuoteDiva Sez: "It is enough that I m of value to somebody today." -Hugh Prather

MY SIX MINUTES STARTS....NOW! .... ....

Do you believe in reincarnation? My fiance and I have been talking about it a lot this past week. I am fortunate in that I am marrying a man who is very open to such things. In fact, he believes in the concept even more than I do. I have a hard time totally believing people's stories about it. I've read a lot about it and while there are certain stories that make you go hmm,..there's something to this (especially the case of Lincoln-Kennedy-way too many "cincidences!")

But as open as I am to things like this, when I read some stories, it's just that to me, stories.

Do you know what I want for proof!? I want to be regressed and I want to see for myself! I want to see different towns, speak different languages or have one of my loved ones regressed and see it for myself as I would know what is false or imagined and what is true as I've known my loved ones all my life (namely, my kids)

Now if I go under and I start talking Finnish (a language I don't know) or I can describe a structure that I've never seen and turns out to be an actual structure in oh, let's say, Scotland (a place I've never been.) Well then, at that point I would be a total believer!

Now if I stretch my imagination and based on certain affinities, interests and sympathies, fears and/or weaknesses, I could see that I might have been perhaps in the Holocaust...perhaps a Japanese sympathsizer, living in the Appalachian mountains...in the Wild West...in a debtor's prison in the Bastille and/or as a Puritan, maybe a heretic burned at the stake!! I have no proof; I just have "feelings".

It's an extremely intriguing concept, mind you! And I would sincerely welcome the opportunity to be hypnotized and let's see what there is to see for me!

Do you believe? And if you do, what kind of lives did you live? If you don't, why don't you. What would it take to make you a believer!

-pr-

Sun...Aquarius
Moon...Sagittarius (great day for sports and/or philosophy!)
Time...3:50pm
Weather...37 degrees and scattered clouds in DC
Mood...slight headache
Sound..."Independence Day" Martina McBride
BirthdayShoutOutsTo:Sheryl Crow, Tina Louise, Burt Reynolds, Thomas Edison, Sidney Sheldon

QuoteDiva sez: "That which we do not confront in ourselves, we will meet as fate." -Carl Jung.

MY SIX MINUTES STARTS.....NOW! ...

I want to thank my fellow blog sister, Sharman aka VegasBABEH'!!! for inspiring this post. I started commenting about something last night and I stopped cold and told her wait...this is something I want to post about! So thanks sistah'friend.

When I was first out on my own, late 2001, I was at a point in my life when I didn't know what I was going to do. I had left on my own accord, with the clothes on my back (only a SLIGHT exaggeration)and I was figuring out how to live on my own as I had never been out on my own. Previous to that moment, I had been a daughter, then I lived with a boyfriend, then I married another man and we had been married for 14 years. Suddenly I was going down a different path,..solo.

I was in a confused state. I cried myself to sleep many a night. One of those bad nights I had a dream. In my dream I was on stage, in front of hundreds of women and I was behind a podium. I was giving them advice, wisdom, encouragement and empowerment. They were clapping and cheering and crying (oh my!)

When I woke up and reflected on this dream my first thought was,.."Come on Rubble, how the hell could you ever find yourself in such a situation, you can't even help yourself, how would you even begin to help someone else, much less hundreds of people??? You gotta' clean your house first and get your ducks in a row and your shit together!!!"

I thought I couldn't but I dreamed I DID!?

That thought however never left me. I think deep down inside I am able to do this (not now, I'm still a work in progress...(right SharmanVegas!?!) But the timing isn't right for it to come to actual manifestation and fruition.

Fast forward to the summer of 2005. My daughters and I got hooked on the Madea dvds. The stage productions hit a cord with me! THAT'S WHAT I want to do. I would love to one day be in productions that bring encouragement and empowerment to not only women but men via humor and pathos! He and his troupe were doing what it was I wanted to do...it's not to be behind a podium, but definitely on stage, reaching a mulitude of people. I wouldn't have to be a finished product...I could be what I was, a work in progress and still help others. Hell, we could all be in the trenches and process together, helping each other work out the kinks!

The following is a mini bio courtesy of Wikipedia about the author and producer of the Madea Series. His latest movie, "Daddy's Little Girls" comes out this Valentines Day.

..."Perry was one of four children. His childhood in New Orleans was marked by poverty and physical abuse, which sparked him to attempt suicide. Perry once blamed his lack of success on his parents and others. He was once homeless and lived in his car for six months. After years of intense anger and deep resentment, Perry experienced an awakening. One day while he was watching The Oprah Winfrey Show in 1992, he took some advice—it can be cathartic to put feelings down on paper. So Perry began writing letters to deal with his painful childhood. These letters eventually became his plays. When Perry's work failed at the box office and he was left penniless, he blamed others. Perry is now said to have found that because he had allowed so much anger from his turbulent past to build inside of him, he always found a way to self-sabotage his ventures. Perry eventually confronted his abusers and took responsibility for his previous failures. His perception of his own writing changed, and he came to terms with his past."...

If he can do it,...why not me? Besides,....I already dreamed I DID!

-pr-

Sun...Aquarius
Moon...Scorpio
Phase...Disseminating
Time...1:45pm
Weather...30 and sunny in DC
Mood...not likin' the fact I have a load of ironing to do...put it off long enough...
Sound...Christina's Court
BirthdayShoutOuts...Mia Farrow...Joe Pesci...Carole King...Roger Mudd...Carmen Miranda...Mena Suvari

QuoteDiva Sez: "Before we can make friends with anyone else, we must firts make friends with ourselves." -Eleanore Roosevelt

MY SIX MINUTES BEGINS....NOW! ...

Her seemingly cartoon character like personae aside, I feel very sorry for Anna Nicole Smith and I feel sorry for her her husband and especially that little baby of hers. I instantly felt compassion for her. It made me think back to my own grandmother. She passed away on Feb. 1st, 1983, two months after her only child died of cancer.

Yes, perhaps it was pneumonia, perhaps it was the fact she was 83, of course, these are logical explanations as to what ended my grandmother's life but deep down I think she died of a broken heart.

Parents are not supposed to bury our children. But Anna had to as did my own grandmother. Sure, there was a large age difference but as any mother can tell you, our children are ALWAYS our children in our hearts, whether the child is 20 like Anna's son or 52, like my mother.

God forbid I ever be faced with the same fate, seeing any of the three of my children die before me. Who's to say I wouldn't want to go to a hotel room and end my life.

My younger kids, 17 year old son, 16 year old daughter live with their dad in Florida. But we have rooms up here in this home for them. I will go into the rooms even now and get this morbid thought, "what if they were dead?" That thought is hard to stomach NOW, when they are very much alive and well... imagine if they were really not here anymore?????

Could I go on? Would I have the strength. Or would I end up like Anna.

Yes, Anna had a myriad of issues going into this sad situation but I had never seen her look so in touch with life and her feelings as these last 6 months. Suddenly she was very much in the moment and I felt her pain. Yes, she had just given birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl...but days later she is burying her first born.

And yes, we may be fed some story about her death but I'll take it with a grain of salt. As for me, I'll know what she died of....

A mother's broken heart.

-pr-