New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com There's a
> reason you don't talk to people for 25 years: Because you don't
> particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
> the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>
> New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
> unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
>finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
>dollar.
>What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
>
> New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
> blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
> for these kids: lucky bastards
>
> New Rule 4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
> you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
> If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>
> New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
> care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>
>New Rule 6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
>aisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that watery
>taste.
> Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
>water?
> Pour some scotch over ice and let it Melt -- That should be your
> flavored water.
>
> New Rule 7: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a
> redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
> is now the bottom. And by the time Grandpa figures out how to open
>it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
> solved the Social Security crisis.
>
> New Rule 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
> asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
> half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
> cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and
> one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.
>
> New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from Sliding my
> card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
> deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter" again,
> the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
>Almond
>Joy.
>
> New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
>doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And
>it
> translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
> spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
> spiritual. You're just high.
>
> New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
>deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
> because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
>exciting.
> What's next, competitive farting?
>
> New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for
>M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
>
> New Rule 13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
> crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in The
>Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
>Let's
>remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
>is that
> the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>
> New Rule 14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
> weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
>rehab.
> Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
>isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
>
> New Rule 15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
> attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a
> mint, as if I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if
>he's
> supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to
>be on your
>web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
>
> New Rule 16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know
> in months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine.
> He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. I was
> attempting to be nice.
>
>