Sun...Scorpio
Moon...Sagittarius (are your kidneys or legs acting up?)
Phase...Crescent (you have a choice of falling asleep in the poppy field or charging forward!)
Time...3:10pm
Weather...55 degrees and partly sunny in DC
Mood...good
Sound..."Dancing in the Dark." -Bruce Springsteen
BirthdayShoutOuts To: Napoleon Dynamite's John Heder #29 and Hillary Rodham Clinton

QuoteDiva Sez: "I am awake to my good, and gather in the harvest of endless opportunities." -Florence Scovel Shinn

SabianChallenge: A harvest moon illuminates the sky. This is an abundant time of harvest. The sky is clear and conditions are perfect. The harvest moon is a positive sign, with high energy as it's a time of fertility and abundance. Situations ripe and full of fruition. Celebrating what you have. Caution: neglecting the tasks at hand because of the APPEARANCE of abundance.

...

I was torn. Sherry said something to me yesterday that really made me want to write about my fiance. I said to her that I just might be tempted to stray from my personal daily writing challenge (aka the Sabian Challenge)and do it. But then I thought nah, I'll stay committed to my purpose here...to pick a symbol and write about THAT.

As luck should have it (not luck...it was meant to be this way!) I clicked and picked a symbol about harvest moon. Not only is it timely in that hell, it's AUTUMN but in how I interpret the symbol in regards to my own life. Bottom line,..I'm going to write about my fiance.

Fiance IS a HUGE part of the abundance I am experiencing in my life at this time. That's why I can in good conscience, write about him! I win by a technicality.

And so Sherry...let me start with something you said. You told me you'd rather pick the guys that feel they are lucky to have YOU and not the other way around. Amen sistahfriend!

But let me go back to the beginning...

My fiance and I attended the same middle school in Tall. Fl. The year was '75 and we were in 8th grade. One of our writing assignments back then was to write about some eco system issue and it happened to be the poor little oysters in Apalachicola bay. Every blessed 8th grader in the whole school had to write an essay for their writing/english class. What we didn't know was that our teacher had probably done this in cahoots with an FSU student at the time.

About 6 of us were chosen based on our gripping writing skills of said Oysters. Fiance and I, my best buddy "Jane", our soon to be friend, Suzy" and two other kids invited to appear on a "panel discussion" of the oysters. The host was this strawberry redhead with freckles. A real freshly-scrubbed FSU senior. Her name was Gayle.

We were introduced to each other and then on with the show. The show didn't come on until weeks later and at 6 in the morning but by God, we were on TV damn it!

The next year fiance and I ended up in a few classes together.

But I moved away for 10th grade.

In 2002 we hooked up via classmates.com to say hey and exchange some emails. In 2005 we said hello again. But this time both of us were in different places in our lives and available. He had come to the conclusion that after 11 years of a bad marriage and no kids, he was done and I had finally admitted to God that I wasn't doing a great job picking out my OWN men!

We've been together since July and I've lived up here with him since April. We plan to get married next year.

I was telling Sherry that this was different. Number one, he was not what I was looking for physically. But his personality and soul were a perfect fit for me!

I used to stand behind my boyfriend and mentally gush about how lucky I WAS to be with HIM and now I catch my fiance looking at me the same way. But he won't keep it to himself, he tells me everyday how blessed he is. I still find it,...weird! I look in the mirror and battle with myself. On one hand I think..."how can anyone feel that way about me?" And the other argument is..."why not you!?"

He is so different than the other men that have come before him in my single years. He sees the pretty and not the rubble.

Aside from my three children (who really like him AND THAT WAS A NON-NEGOTIABLE, if they didn't get along, I would have had to have said, take a hike. ) he has been the biggest blessing I've ever received in my life! NOT an understatement.

It's not a perfect day in paradise everyday for us. We are still getting to know each other but you know when it's right. At 44 I pretty much know what it is I need and want.

He's my harvest moon and I'm celebrating what I have and who I have it all with, on a daily basis.

~pr~

PS)"Gayle" went on to be Gayle Sierens,...an institution in News Broadcasting in the Tampa Bay area!

Sun...Scorpio (great time of year for Halloween!)
Moon...Sagittarius (get out and get those decorations and candy, good day for walking!)
Phase...still New Moon so stop putting off any Halloween prep.!
Time...12:30pm
Weather...46 degrees and sunny in DC.
Sound...classic country songs (I love the old tunes)
Mood... o.k.
QuoteDiva sez: "I am trying to show the world that we are all human beings and that color is not important. What's importnt is the quality of our work." -Alvin Ailey
Birthday Gal: Mrs. Cunningham, Happy Days (Marion Ross!)

*I can't believe I didn't think to add something birthday related as I've always been an idiot savant when it comes to birthdays! Once I learn someone's bday (whether a friend, a celeb or someone I don't particularly like,...I am cursed(blessed?)...I ALWAYS remember! So I'll add one more thing to my blog "header" each time. I'll pick someone that I liked/look up to (celebrity or family member.)

SabianChallenge: 1 degree Virgo. In a portrait, the best of a man's traits and character are idealized. You may find a need to remind yourself of the true features of the situation. Is the true picture of a person, the "man's features" being presented and recognized? Idealizing people or situations. Caution: not seeing people for what they truly are. Vanity.

...

This is a toughie. I want to go two different,..no, three different directions with this writing assignment. But since I don't want to write an endless essay, I guess I'll go with the the first thought.

In Feb. of 2002, I signed up with Match.com and about three weeks later, I had a man. A very handsome, sexy man! He was bright, sensual, romantic, exotic (part Hawaiian, part Dutch Irish!)and witty.

On top of that, through a few phone conversations, we found out we had more in common. I had taught his daughter dance! In fact I had given her a special part that year (1991) He wasn't even around then, he was divorced and living in CA at the time.)

My oldest daughter and his girls danced in the same dances and on one of the recital tapes, you see my daughter on one end of the line, and his on the other! Not only that but I had used his youngest as an example of what a third grader could be when my own daughter brought home a less than impressive report card. I kept seeing HIS daughter's name under "Dean's List" My daughter was just as smart damn it, why couldn't SHE be on that list like that other girl?! I don't even know why I picked his daughter?! I didn't know her at the time! (But now I understand, there's no such thing as a coincidence!! )

On top of everything else, it seems his ex wife and I went to school together. They met while in the service in Germany, but his wife lived in St. Pete., FL and since our last names both started with the same letter, we were always pictured on the same page of the yearbook!

I thought for sure these "coincidences" went a long way in cementing the burgeoning relationship!

I quickly fell in love. I obsessed and practically built a shrine to him in my heart and mind. When were were out in public I was so proud to be seen with him and when I stood behind him, he never knew I was staring at him, thinking, "How did I get so lucky!!??

He could do no wrong with me. And he was soo sweet anyway! He was very good to me and was a loyal boyfriend.

But after a year it became quite evident that his feelings weren't deepening the way he felt they needed to in order to take the relationship to the next level.

So we broke up but we stayed friends with benefits for the next year.

But my feelings never decreased, in fact, my God, they got even deeper. I idealized him to no end. I couldn't see his faults. I became so blinded to red flags of a friends with benefits situation. (Which by the way young(er) readers,...IS A TRAIN WRECK WAITIN' TO HAPPEN!)

It was as if I saw this man's portrait painted perfectly! (How's that for 'literation!?) No blemishes, no imperfections, not a hair out of place. But I wasn't seeing the true picture underneath.

Now I do more than a year and a half later. I see that he was balding,...he had short forearms and stubby fingers. He had horrible morning breath. He was never willing to share his hobbies with me (golf, tennis) and the most important thing, if he did stay with me, he'd always be looking over his shoulder to see what,..or WHO was on the horizon. That was the real picture.

I've long since taken his photo down from my gallery walls and tossed it out. First, I tossed it in the closet of my mind but now it's totally out in the dumpster.

I keep the overall experience, the good, bad and ugly but there's no more obsessing over the idealistic image I had of him.

~pr~

I was just about to shut the computer down and head back to bed when I thought, well, let me just "check in." I pulled up Bob Lassiter's blog. (He was an institution in Talk Radio, especially in the Tampa Bay area, where I'm from originally. I listened to him almost every day from 1985 until he left the market about 10 years later.)

This past Sept. I discovered he had been keeping a blog and of course I read it! My Bob was back, maybe not on the radio but at least I can read him! But as I quickly found out, the man was dying. Complications from diabetes and his kidneys were slowly failing him. It felt like a punch in the gut. On Sept. 19th he made his last entry saying he just couldn't keep it up anymore.

Since then, from time to time, I've checked his blog, hoping against hope that he would have taken a turn for the better and maybe changed his mind about continuing to blog.

Instead, this morning I read his very last entry dated around the beg. of October. His wife broke the news to all of his friends and fans. Bob Lassiter had signed off for the very last time.

In a strange way he had become family. I never saw him, only listened to him but he was there from the time I was 23 until 33 or 34 years old! When I first started listening, my own father was still alive. I was trying college for the third time, I was living with my boyfriend, I weighed 112lbs!!

He was there for me as I quit college, dumped the boyfriend, got pregnant, got married, had three kids and was thinking that one day this marriage would be over and that day couldn't come soon enough.

By the time he moved from the area, I weighed about 12 lbs more than when I first heard his voice and I had aged a decade. I had found my first gray hair.

Bob was bombastic, thought provoking and take no prisoners. The ultimate professional. If you want to hear the best monologues you'll ever hear, go to his air checks. The Christmas ones will blow you away.

Did you have a Bob Lassiter? Did you or do you have a friend that you have never seen but have only heard on the radio,..for years and he or she have become an extended member of your family?

I lost a member on Friday, October 13th. At least I'll have his voice available to me whenever I want it via air checks. That's more than I can say about my own parents, whose voices I don't even remember. And I have his words via his blog that he had kept for a year.

This is exactly why I want to keep a blog. So that one day my friends and family can read my words and know what I was thinking and feeling at different points along the journey.

So they will know I walked this earth.

~pr~

Sun...Scorpio!!!
Moon...Scorpio (hooboy, lotsa' Scorpionic energy today!)
Phase...New Moon (get out and get it done, whatever IT is!)
Time...6:33am
Weather...41 degrees and overcast.
Sound...American Cliche (talk radio)
Mood...pretty awake but will go back to bed after this post.
QuoteDiva Sez: "I believe in compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed, they're would be no more wars. -Abbie Hoffman.

SabianSymbolChallenge: Sagittarius, 17 degrees. An Easter sunrise service draws a crowd. This is a time of spiritual rebirth where you can rise above the failings of the past into a new beginning. Coming out of doubt and despair can lead to a new sense of love, faith and compassion. Caution: obsession with the ceremony rather than the purpose or ideal.

...

It might be the symbol itself or the hour in which I'm trying to do this. I'm just not connecting with this symbol. Another day I might have written something different but this is what I got today!

I was raised Roman Catholic. From the time I was maybe 3 until 20, I went to service. I went to Sunday School and I had my First Communion at the age of ten.

For years I sat down, knelt, stood up,...repeatedly! And I said things by rote. I didn't even really understand what I was saying in the beginning and then when I was old enough to understand, I didn't buy into it but since I was not a rebellious, confrontational teen, I didn't say anything to mom and dad. I just griped about it to no end in my journal (you know, the old fashion kind, in a book that you wrote by hand!? )

When I was 20, my mom passed away and my dad sat down and we had a talk about religion. He told me that I was old enough to make the decision to continue coming with him or not. I thought about it for all of 5 seconds and said,.."Dad, I respect your feelings but I don't want to go anymore." There were no arguments, he just shook his head and said,.."Alright then."

I felt so liberated. I can't say I missed the daily grind/chore of going.

I never made my kids go. We weren't a "religious" family. I simply tried to abide by the golden rule. I am a "DoGoodist-BeGoodist" (a term I coined for myself many years ago.) and mind you, I fall off the wagon many times. I'm not always a great DoGoodist! But I try for the most part.

My kids are good kids. They are good people and they rarely sat in a pew.

I totally understand and appreciate the fact that everyone is different and some choose to be part of a church. That's cool. But for me personally,...I don't need it.

From 2002-2003 I was part of a church. I initially joined because a co-worker was part of it and sang in the band and they were looking for a singer. It was contemporary and it sounded fun. I admit that I joined BECAUSE I would be on stage and I love the stage and had never been part of a band. I kept those thoughts to myself.

I did well, they said I was a great addition but deep down inside, I felt like I was fooling them and it was wrong. I talked to the pastor. I confessed that I was in it more for the performing aspect than for God. I asked him if that was really horrible.

He said that just the fact I was asking these questions and thinking about this was a good thing. He comforted me by telling me that I might not realize it but singing is ministering and that people are blessed by the music. He asked how it made me feel to hear a favorite piece of music. I said, it made me feel good inside. He tried to get me to see that it's the same way with my singing. "You never know when your singing is reaching people or who it's touching." There are all kinds of ways to get the Word out.

I have a problem with certain aspects of "the Word." And I'll confess to you now, that while I began to see that my part in the band was important and that I could indeed be touching people's souls by my singing,...it never stopped being a gig, not deep down inside. It remained a chance to be on stage and perform!

Not only did I still not get into the whole preaching aspect that came AFTER the singing or BETWEEN the songs, I did not care for the typical church politics. I'm not very politically savvy or have this shrewdness when it comes to business so I kept away from anything else that the church tried to wrangle me into. I tried a 6 week post divorce program but it would always turn into an ex spouse bashing session and that wasn't helping me in the long wrong. A little bashing and venting is o.k. however, don't get me wrong!

Right around the time I was growing tired of the whole scene (except for the singing)I got a job at a local fitness gym. I had to take the job, I needed the money, badly and the gym needed me 4 days a week and one of those days was Sunday morning. So I left. Never looked back.

Another reason I'm a little soured on churches was because of something that happened in 1987 when my dad died. He and his wife had been faithful go-ers for years. Actually, this was the same Catholic church that my mom and dad and I had gone for 5 years. After dad passed, my stepmom stopped taking her meds and she went off the deep end. My husband at the time and I were confused about what to do and so our first step was to go to the church with her and have the Father talk to her, counsel her and try and get her to get back on her medication (losing dad had just messed her up and she had been off them for two weeks.)

Father D. hardly cracked the door open for us. His words still ring in my ears, "I can't do anything for her." The door closed, I cried and vowed I would never be part of a church ever again. And I really haven't, not in my heart. I don't see it happening in the future. But I know, never say never.

I am spiritual and I believe in a Godly force. I see God as a collective consciousness. It's a loving consciousness. We are part of it just like cells in a single body. The cell in the toe is part of the same whole as the cell in the scalp. I pray. But it's usually talking to my mom, dad and grandmother, whom I loved dearly when they were alive. Are they really there? I don't really know but it makes me feel a little bit better to think they are still around, listening to me.

Can I tell you something and this is how I'll end my post today. (Which I don't think was one of my best but as this is a record of how I felt at this particular time and this is going to be for my kids to read years from now,....)

A very scary thing happened to me several years ago. It was petrifying. You know what I did? I spent an hour solid reciting,...

The Lords Prayer!!! First, I was so conditioned, had that thing in my head since I was three years old and second, in a time of panic, it just popped INTO my head and I said it over and over like a mantra.

Old habits die hard I suppose.

~pr~

PS) to those who ask what "Namaste" means, think of it this way,...the God/Love in me, rises up to meet in mutual respect the God/Love in you. Were in this thing together people.

Sun...Libra
Moon...Scorpio (a time of introspection and soul searching.
Phase...New Moon
Time...2:20pm
Weather...52 and scattered clouds in DC
Mood...I'm watching a serious themed movie and I'll be writing about a serious moment in our history.
Sound...the movie United 93 in the background.

I will dispense with the usual Sabian Symbol writing challenge. I wasn't around the stream to express my thoughts and recollections of the events of 9-11. Today will be that day.

Older people, (that is people older than I am) have their "Where were you when" moments for other historical events for example, Pearl Harbor and Kennedy's assassination. People my age and a little younger have the Challenger explosion, Reagan getting shot and 9-11.

Where were you?

It was Grandparents' Day and I had 17 grandparents and parents as well as 12 young 4 year olds gathered in my Pre-K classroom. I had the children recite the Pledge of Allegiance as we did each morning and then I had them sing, "My Country Tis Of Thee." The children were a little shy and unsure about the words so by mid song, their little voices had trailed off into an unintelligible whisper. But the adults stepped up and carried the rest of the song. They absolutely harmonized. It amazed me how good they sounded and it actually gave me chills. I beamed!

My director, as was her practice, popped her head in at some point during these kinds of functions and usually she had a smile on her face. This time, the door opened, she stepped just inside the class and her eyes were teary. Perhaps my group of singers had touched her as well! She turned and closed the door. Strange, she usually stays longer...

This was about 10:15am.

The rest of the party seemed to go off without a hitch but I couldn't
help but notice this mysterious pall. I always prided myself on how UP my parties were. This time, as the children did their special presentations, I looked around the room. I saw nothing but sad faces with the occasional half-hearted smile. What was going on here? I was absolutely dumbfounded. Tough audience.

I looked at the clock, 10:55am, time to go outside for our playground time. I got all the kids and guests out onto the playground, thanked the adults for coming and excused myself to my break. I don't remember who told me, probably a fellow teacher but the news stunned me. I remember saying,.."What do you mean a two planes crashed into the tower?"

I went back into the classroom and turned on my radio. Now everything made sense. Now I understood why the long faces. They all knew something I didn't. I had been out of the loop since watching the early morning news around 6am while getting ready for work. From that point on, I knew nothing of what was going on in the world and no one told me anything, not parents or coworkers, if they knew, no one was talking?

That evening, while watching the special reports, I instantly flashed back to our guests and how they sounded so melodic; just like a choir. Then I thought that many of them had lived through several wars and crisis situations that are merely chapters in school books for most of us.

I thought of my father, a well-respected and much decorated Master Sergeant who spent 26 years in the Army and his participation in the Korean and VietNam war. I thought, by the grace of God, I had been adopted by a wonderful American couple. I thought of my own children who were only 14, 12 and 19 at the time. I had only been out of the home for a few months and I was having issues of loneliness and confusion in my personal life. I thought of their and my future.

While this was a very difficult time in our history, I encouraged my parents to keep their spirits up, show their patriotism and make sure to reassure their kids that they are loved and SAFE. Which was a tall order when the adults had just had their worlds rocked. We didn't feel all that safe but we had to put on brave game faces for our children.

That night five years ago, I made damned sure I told my own kids that I loved them.

Just last night I asked my fiance where he was on Sept. 11th. Besides it being his niece's 15th birthday, he was living up here in the DC area. A week before, he was flying to his office in NY and he says that as he was looking at the Manhattan skyline, his thoughts suddenly turned to this strange thought..."What if a plane accidentally flew into one of those towers?"

A week later he had to fly but he said he did it with a sense of duty. He wasn't going to let these people who did this win.

My ex's Uncle was there when it happened and saw people jumping out windows. He was never the same.

I hadn't flown since 1980. When I flew up here for my first visit to my fiance's house in March of this year, I was a nervous wreck.

What is scary is that there is NO searches, no protection on the train I took up to NYC two weeks ago. Why are these places NOT guarded.

I am watching United 93 as I type this. I've been stopping and starting. I'm choosing not to proofread. When I'm done, I'll post it. I will then go back to the movie.

To any of you that lost someone that day, my heart goes out to you.

I'll end here for today.
(excuse any typos.)