Sun...Libra
Moon...Scorpio (careful what you say, if it's 'goodbye', it'll STICK!
Phase...New Moon (say YES to an invitation!)
Time...7:15am
Weather...45 chilly degrees, partly cloudy in DC
Sound..."I Play Chicken With the Train." -Big and Rich and CowboyTroy.
Mood...surprisingly awake (don't know WHY I'm awake so early but whatever!
QuoteDiva sez: "The real measure our wealth is our worth if we lost our money." -anon.

Sabian Challenge: 6 degrees Taurus. A bridge being built across a high narrow gorge. There may seem to be no way of overcoming the distance between you and the answer. There is, but to build a bridge takes time, energy and help. Once completed, then the dangers that it spans are no longer of any concern. Caution-taking the long way round to avoid asking for help.

...

The most crucial, precarious time was from 2001-2005 when I decided to leave my husband. My "gorge" was my lack of my own finances, my lack of any college education, my inability or inexperience in day to day things like dealing with bills and banking or car problems.

I basically left with the shirt on my back. I was a preschool teacher who didn't make that much and now with child support expected of me, it wasn't a time to switch gears and try something that might not work. Teaching was a sure thing.

The bridge was the fact that I did have a steady job and the ability to get a second job if necessary (and it was and I did.) The bridge was friends and their support. The bridge was my inner reserve which I did have but it wasn't always evident at the surface. The bridge could have been counseling. I say could have been had I taken advantage of it.

A bridge could have been me taking the wise counsel of friends that had been there and done that. One told me to GET A LAWYER and one said DONT JUMP INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP RIGHT AWAY.

I didn't follow either person's advice. I didn't have the money for a lawyer and didn't have the where-with-all to look at the possibilities for a woman in my situation and besides, my ex said sweetly, "trust me, we don't need a lawyer, what do we have to argue over." It was true, we weren't rich. I hated and didn't want the dumpy house I had lived in for 14 years. The only thing we needed to hammer out something for was the three kids. And as it turned out, the only thing that got hammered (on) was ME. "experience is what you get when you don't read the fine print."

I didn't get counseling or therapy because I thought I didn't need it. Funny how sometimes we really are blind to the three legged purple elephant sitting squarely on your chest.

I sometimes was polite but turned help away when it was offered from friends. Two reasons why I did this: One, I was raised in a little family where we were pretty much an island unto ourselves the last 10 years (after dad retired from the Army, they also retired from the social scene and then when mom was in and out of the hospital with her struggle with breast cancer, they became even more reclusive.) And two, I have a problem with feeling "obligated" to others for their kindness. I feel like I have a debt hanging over my head like a dark cloud and I have to pay back in kind and I sometimes don't have the money, time or energy.

The longer I stayed single, the more I was able to accept help with just a sincere "thank you" because I always made it clear in the beginning that I couldn't pay them back. One day I heard a woman on tv talking about such a thing. She said when people do nice things for you, don't take the blessing away from them. So after that I tried to remember the intent, the motivation behind their generous gesture. As nice as I thought I was coming across, I was looking a gift horse in the mouth and being ungrateful. Yes, it took me awhile to get over the feeling someone wanted something from me when they gave me something (bedsheets, food, movie passes, towels, gas cards, a bed, a computer etc..)

Looking back, I would have saved myself so many bad situations had I taken better advantage of "bridges" God was offering me over the "gorge" in my life at the time.

..."like a bridge over troubled waters, I will lay me down."

..."like a bridge over troubled waters, I will ease your mind."

When my fiance came along, I had learned the hard way. I no longer looked the other way thinking I didn't need him or could do it on my own. I smiled, took his hand and thanked him for being who he was and what he could do for me. When I first met him I wasn't sure if I would be the best person for him. I knew my history. But he looked past my faults and instead of seeing "attractive" or "pretty" rubble, he saw a warm-hearted, hard-working, potential-filled woman who had already proven to him that she didn't need to be anything different than who she already was. He's my bridge and although years back I didn't honestly think I would or could make anyone a decent bridge, I now know that I am exactly what he needs. Yes, I'm a pretty well-constructed structure! But it was years in the making.

So when I reflect, while I wish I had done some things very differently, I can't help but think there had to be reasons why I was stubborn and didn't cross the bridges. There must have been a reason why I chose to go alllll the way around to get to the other side? In my struggles, I think I became a stronger person, if not a more experienced soul.

*whew, this was supposed to be the Sabian writing challenge for Friday but oh well... belated but done!

I wonder what it will be tomorrow!?

~pr~

Sun...Libra
Moon...Libra
Phase...NEW MOON!
Time...12:02
Weather...cool, sunny in DC
Sound..."The Auctioneer" -John Michael Montgomery.
Mood...frustrated, the server has gone down once on me during this post!
QuoteDiva sez: "Never trouble trouble 'til trouble troubles you!"

I will be returning to my Sabian writing challenges on Monday.

And not much time now just wanted to tell all my fellow bloggers that today the moon is in peace loving, creative, artistic, loving Libra and it's a new moon!! That means a great time to start all those projects you've been putting aside due to lack of motivation or obstacles outside of your control. Now's the time to get going. Get out there this weekend and enjoy some Autumn activities!

Were going to go out and hunt down some much needed living room furniture. Were over sitting on the floor. We have nothing, wait, that's a lie, we have a lamp. He likes ecletic and french country... I like metropolitan and I hate florals. This is the first time we've done any serious furniture shopping with him. This should be interesting! Good thing neither of us are confrontational. But who will have to bend more!

Namaste everyone and get your NEW MOON ON!!!!

~pr~

Sun...Libra
Moon...Libra-think, "and justice for all" and mean it.
Phase...balsamic-continue to rest and detox.
Time...9pm
Weather...windy, cool.
Mood...tired.
Sound...silence.
Quote Diva: "Life is a dance if you take the steps: one step, then another." -anon.

Earlier today I spent 30 mins. on my post. The sabian challenge was about bridges over gorges. And then the system went down and POOF* it was gone!

I didn't have the time or the motivation to re-create it.

I was kinda' pissed off but since the fiance was taking me out shopping for much needed furniture for our very empty livingroom, I slapped on a happy face like this: and got over it. But it was such a goood post too. Damn it all.

So instead, while I have just a few minutes, let me tell you that today is my UNBIRTHDAY. Ever since I was in my 20s I thought if I could change my birthdate, it would be October 20th. I'd still be a Libra and my dad was a Libra and just about every Libra I have ever known have been very intelligent, artistic, creative people. So I told my fiance this yesterday and he took me out to dinner to Mac. Grill and we had a great unbirthday meal.

Were just about to watch, "Thankyou for Smoking." Looks like a fun movie.

Well, this wasn't the posted I wanted but for whatever reason, I was not meant to post it?

So this Friday I post a light-hearted entry.

*Oh and to all those who have sent me little notes and commented on my posts the past three weeks, thanks so much for your warm welcome here at the stream and for your encouraging words. You guys (and gals) are tremendous and being part of this group of literate, funny, caring people has been a joy! Finding you people has been an uplifting experience. My "fav. blog" list is quite incomplete. But there's only so much time in the day (even for us insomniacs!! )to get to everybody's blogs but slowly, I am making my way down the stream.

And now, start poppin' the popcorn fiance, 'cause it's MOVIETIME!

I'll try the bridge post on Monday...my weekend is going to be busy. One of the things were going to be doing is going into the mountains to see the beautiful fall colors. Fiance says this is the prime weekend because quickly the leaves...fall! I'm having a great time seeing the colors and hues of Autumn up here. As some of you know, I'm a FL girl and our colors are sand(y) brown, ocean blue, palm tree green, Corona beer yellow and sunny orange.

~pr~

Sun...Libra
Moon...Libra (time to do something for YOU-bubble bath, visit to a spa?)
Phase...balsamic (doesn't that sound like something we put on our salad?)
Time...5:20pm
Weather...67 degrees and overcast in DC
Mood...much better than yesterday.
Sound...Don and Mike -WJFK
QuoteDiva sez: "You can't take back stupid." -Dr. Phil

SabianChallenge: 17 degrees Libra. A retired sea captain watches ships entering and leaving the harbor. It's time for quiet reflection. You may feel that the stormy, unpredictable emotional life is something you can leave behind. An objective and calm understanding of life's experience is available now. Writing one's memoirs. Caution: escaping from reality.

...

I lived in a stormy 14 year marriage. I was 24 (that's not so bad, it's not like we were 16) but we didn't know each other. We married when I was 4 months pregnant and our first year was spent being pregnant and then raising a small baby! Then we coupled that with 2 more kids. We had three, two years apart. Throw in a dog and a mortgage....add a big dollop of a house falling down around our ears....sprinkle in bills, bills, bills....a pinch of being pushed around and a cup of infidelity....a recipe for disaster and comedy ensued.

In 2001 I said enough was enough and I got out. I spent the next 5 years on my own. It was a roller coaster of experiences. I dated some real prizes, got pregnant, went in the hole many times over with the bank, drove around in a car that was on it's last "leg"....I owed the IRS year after year (oh take a number people, everybody wanted a piece of me.)

There was always low level intrigue when it came to me and mi vida loca! I must have thrived on it because I didn't try and stop it.

I obsessed over a man, pined, whined, cried, lied, got fried, shied away from counseling. I swore I didn't need it! I wasn't crazy after all! I fought hard to keep myself from feeling I was a needy person...more needFUL.

Sometimes my life seemed like any number of hurricanes we went through in my great state of FL! Sometimes I realized half of what I was experiencing was simply tempests in teacups.

Thankfully, the two constants in my life: 1) my kids, they were loving and forgiving!!! 2) my career was sound and while I wasn't able to keep much of the money I made (due to child support), it was steady and I ALWAYS paid my child support and ON TIME thank you very much. I was respected on the job and I knew I was good at it.

At least I could count on those two things. And I was for the most part healthy. (Hell, due to the "I DONT HAVE ANY MONEY" diet, I weighed 25lbs less than I do today.

These days I am able to sit back and take it all in. I can look back and exhale deeply and with great relief that those days are gone and done.

I know I went through them for a reason, mind you! But boy am I glad I'm done with their lessons!

I am calmer these days because I don't have the same responsibilities.

A few of my personal friends have expressed some envy (cloaked in humor but I know they are a bit jealous of my lifestyle now.) What I want to tell them a little story.

One day there was a little girl named "Rubble" who was real jealous of this girl she went to school with. This other kid seemed to have the boys, the beautiful home, the great boyfriend, the perfect kids, the perfect career, fame and fortune. Rubble spent 20 years being jealous. One day Rubble found out in the paper that her classmate had committed suicide. In the suicide note, the girl had mentioned she couldn't take the abuse anymore or the pressure to be perfect. Guess things weren't so perfect afterall.

I spent 20 years BEGRUDGING this girl for all the GREAT things she had in her life. Not only was I totally wrong about the situation but I was judging her and her life as well. What gave me the right to judge. She hadn't gotten any of this through some Machiavellian ways. Some of it she was born into, most of it she worked hard for. But I wasted so many years being jealous. That's like hitting your head against the wall, it doesn't do a damned thing to the wall but your head hurts like hell.

After finding out she had died and how she had died, I felt horrible.

I vowed to myself that after that I would make more of a concerted effort not to be so envious of other people and after all, you don't know what will happen to them tomorrow. You just don't know what's around the corner.

So to my friends who see me in this big house, engaged to a man that adores me even when I don't feel or act adore-able, being able to sleep in and stay up late, having my IRS bill taken care of for me...

YUP! Sounds great! But don't begrudge me, because when you do that you are essentially saying, you don't deserve it and I say you are wrong. I spent 14 years in a crappy marriage where my husband said things with his hands sometimes, I don't see my kids everyday like some of you, I don't have my parents or siblings, I had three jobs and nothing in my refrigerator...I lived in a dumpy efficiency and slept for two years on a broken futon then one year on the floor, I drove in a car that barely got me to those three jobs. I had no insurance..... I could go on...

but you get my point.

So yeh, now I am able to relax, reflect and recollect.

I have a whole new life ahead of me.

I deserve it, don't tell me I don't. Besides, you don't know what's around MY corner?

~pr~

Sun...Libra
Moon...Virgo (cleaning mode but not happy about it! )
Phase...Balsamic (fancy word, just means, it's time to rest, thus the conflict between knowing I need to clean the dust bunnies but also having an overwhelming desire to say f*ck it )
Time...5:40pm
Mood...tired, moody. (Fiance is leaving me alone today! Wise man!)
Sound...Donna Summer "Heaven Knows."
QuoteDiva sez: " 'Um' is NOT an answer!" -Judge Judy

SabianChallenge: Aquarius 2 degrees. An unexpected thunderstorm. You may find that you are suddenly tested or taken by surprise. Inner strength and stability will be put to the test but you will learn from the experience. Caution: bottling up and then blowing up.

...

August 4th, 2004. I finally, once and for all broke up with my boyfriend. It was 2 years of non-commitment on his part but he was a great guy. I just happened to put too many of his eggs in my basket. From time to time along the way, he'd drop hints that I need to take a step back and not get so obsessed with him. He never said it in an egotistical way, mind you. What's the line? "He's JUST NOT that into you!!" YUP, that was it!

But he was faithful and loyal but he just couldn't give 100%...more like 75% which was pretty good, don't get me wrong! He was there any time I needed him. He pulled my ass out of the financial fire many times and anytime anything happened to my car, he tried to help as much as possible.

But it was 2 years of me not really knowing where I stood with him. Two years waiting for him to say he loved me and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I bottled up a lot! I wanted to tell him off many times but I was afraid I would scare him off. I was afraid he'd think I was going overboard. I'm an emotional person but I'm not a freak. I keep a lot in.

But this one night, after a dinner of sushi and plum wine, we came back to my place, he spurned my advances (drunken advances) and he complained he was tired and I finally blew.

He was blindsided. I cried and screamed. Hand it to the man, he stood there and took it! He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. (yeh, like that!)

I told him everything I had been hanging on to and bottling up. I exploded! No, nothing went flying, I'm not the physical type when I get angry! Shoes and bottles and glasses do not take flight!

After about 20 mins. I apologized and we hugged. He went home. I didn't see him again...ever. In November he dropped off a letter that said, he apologized for anything he did that upset me and that maybe one day in the future we could be friends.

In May of '05 we traded birthday cards.

I've emailed him twice, he's responded twice. That was in May for our birthday this year.

I must admit too,..that while I'm very happy and I have the world's best fiance...there's a part of me that when and if he finds HIS special person...I will be envious. Hurt.... rejected all over again.

And no, he wasn't the man I was talking about in my first post...the one that called me "attractive rubble"... but I'm sure he would have agreed.

I had many of those qualities he was looking for but I lacked some he needed. The problem was, here was a man that had been single for 13 years when he met me. His ideals were very high and I didn't measure up. What makes me angry at myself was that a month into the relationship, a big red flag popped up. "I've only been in love once, and that was when I was in my teens."

I should have ran. But he was beautiful to look at, wonderful on the inside...a kind and decent and sexy man. And I fell quickly and I fell hard.

I knew even as I was throwing my tirade that night in August-I knew it was over and that there'd be no going back,ever again.

It was a huge thunderstorm.

The next day, as is my custom, the skies were blue, the sun was shining and the birds were singing and I was left alone.

I was left knowing that if I had car problems or money problems or I was lonely or bored, he wouldn't be someone I could call on.

I was scared.

But somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain and heart,...I had faith that God would bring me someone even better. I might have to be on my own for a length of time but it would not be forever.

Less than a year after what I call the "Plum Wine Incident." My fiance showed up!

My time with the boyfriend was NOT a waste of time although there is a thin line between love and a waste of time! I did learn lessons. That relationship helped define who I wanted to become in regards to a partner in a loving relationship.

~pr~