Sun...Libra
Moon...Gemini
Phase...slowly recovering from full!
Time...7:01pm
Weather...cooling down, cold front approaching the DC area tomorrow!
Sound..."You Can't Hurry Love" (amen!) Diana Ross and the Supremes
Mood...A little buzzed from some lightweight, girly wine.
QuoteDiva sez: "Take without forgetting, give without remembering." (my grandma always said that!)

Sabian Challenge: Leo 4 degrees. A man formally dressed, stands near trophies he brought back from a hunting expedition. It is one thing to achieve something and yet another to display one's achievement for all to see. There may be an urge to impress others but some people will not be pleased with the display.

....Let me contemplate this one!....

(pr takes a sip of wine...)

When I was about eleven, my mom put me into dance. She had been hot and heavy into it when she was younger and she thought that I was a bit too much the tomboy. So I (very) grudgingly donned this silly bodysuit (you old farts will remember those!) and a pair of pantyhose and I nervously walked into this big room on the FSU campus. Our teacher was this college girl named Niva. She must have been all of 20 but funny how when you are 10 or 11, a 20 years old seems OLD!!

It was mostly creative movement and it was fun. But then the course was over and mom thought my baby's so good she deserves to be at a rec center taking ballet!

So I was made to take beg. ballet at Palmer Monroe rec. center up the street and around the corner from the university.

Niva followed me! But she got a lot meaner! Creative movement meant you danced like butterflies and wind. But now she taught us 1st position, demi plies, etc... Suddenly, dance wasn't so much fun. In fact I came to dread classes and would find ways of being sick. But mom came close to being a back stage mom and she didn't buy my illness!

After a year at the rec. center, mom thought her baby was so good, she deserved to go to an actual BALLET STUDIO! So I went to a little school at the local mall.

The first two years were horrid. I was an athletic kid but by no means dance oriented. My tomboyish moves didn't translate over to the discipline of ballet moves.

One day this lady came in and said so all of you are like 12 and 13? Yes we answered. Well were going to do a fun dance. Were going to pretend were gypsies! She handed out tambourines. Now you who read my other post knew I always had a thing for gypsies and now I'm being asked to dance like one...hell lady, I'll do one better, I'll BECOME ONE!

The lady was Sarah Stravinska and she played a prominent role with the dance program at FSU. But we didn't know that. We just knew she was this silly acting, tiny little spitfire of a lady who was playing with us!

Over the next few weeks she gathered us together and told us that some of us would be doing this gypsy dance for a dance production of La Traviata. OH WOW! And what's more, not everyone would be asked to be part of the gypsy dance. I worked so hard. I got chosen. Suddenly something in my head clicked. I was a dancer! I could dance. Someone (other than my mom, her opinion doesn't count, right!? ) had faith in me.

I danced up a storm on stage many months later. I smiled, I oozed joy from every pore. That night I became a dancer. Thankfully I have home movies of that dance...hopefully one day I can transfer them onto dvd and see them again. It's been more than 20 years since I saw any of my home movies.

That was the beginning of my dance career. I later went on to become a dance teacher. I danced professionally on a local level. I even tried out for Dance Fever and made the semi finals. That was in 1986....so long ago! I got beat out by an 80 year old lady dancing with a 30 year old guy and the runner up was this beautiful African American woman who later went on to be one of the "FLY GIRLS" on "In Living Color." Oh well...so much for the big time!

I also danced with a young girl named Elizabeth Parkinson. When she first started she was nothing but this long limbed, lanky colt-like girl! She was new to dance and I would look at her and think...isn't she precious...sweet girl but not very talented!

Over the next couple of years she bloomed, she exploded and deservingly so. What does she do now...oh nothing much...she just win's nominations for her Broadway dance work. She was the lead in "FOSSE" and you can see her in the video byte for "MOVIN OUT"..she plays the lead girl, Brenda...the program is full of her face and body. She looks just like Nicole Kidman. (By the way..you wanna' see a great show...and if you like the music of Billy Joel, you've got to see Movin' Out. I don't know if she's doing it anymore but she's definitely who you see if you visit the site for the show!)

Sometimes I feel like Shirley McClaine in "The Turning Point." Many of the people I danced with as a teen went on to really do something with their dance. I remained local and became a teacher. Sometimes I regret not working harder. Sometimes I think if my mom could have channeled my body, I would have! She had so much faith in me and wanted it more for me.

But I did ok as a local teacher. I did pretty damned good. I even won a few contests along the way.

Do I have any "trophies?!" Oh, there's a funny story. The one trophy I treasured the most was the one I got in 8th grade. It was a school wide talent show; I knew I was a shoe in for third. I was so proud...people applauded, hell I got my first standing "0" But I knew I could never beat little Lisa Crews...she was magic with the baton!!! And the two African American boys that did this dance routine was good for second. I was happy with 3rd! Hey not bad for a kid who had only been doing dance for 3 years and doing BALLET for crying outloud!

I got a great looking trophy and I hung on to that thing for the longest time! It followed me everywhere I moved.

One day, back in about 1992, I was dusting. I noted that my trophy wasn't in it's usual spot. I looked all over for it. I questioned my oldest child, Miss Virgo and she said, I don't know. I didn't think my 1 year old girl had anything to do with it, she was only 1! And my middle child, my son had speech delays so he didn't say much of anything at all so no sense asking him!!

I was mystified. It was there last week when I dusted!

I went on with my work. Maybe the husband moved it. I'd ask him when he got home.

I noticed that I hadn't seen my son in awhile. I looked outside for him. Since his communication skills were lacking, he'd go out without telling me sometimes. I went to the backyard and there he was playing at the end of our property. He had something in his hand. He was whacking the orange tree we had in the backyard. What was he holding?

I called his name but he didn't answer.

I walked all the way down to get a closer look.

It was MY BELOVED TROPHY!!!!!!!!!

I YELLED, "GEMINI!!!" (not his real name ) What are you doing. Give me that. That's important to mommy!!!

He looked at me like I had three heads. He ran off. I brushed it off -then I noticed the cheap material that made up the regal silver winged-girl in the flowing robe holding a torch had broken... She was now missing a wing and the other wing didn't look so good either!

I stood there exasperated at my son. But with his inability to normally process information or express himself due to mental disabilities, I just shook my head. Maybe this was a sign that I shouldn't hold so tightly to such a silly thing. Maybe my son had taught me a valuable lesson without even being aware of it?

We do, we tend to desire and want to show off our "trophies." Whatever they may be. They can be actual trophies, cars, money, wives, homes.. etc..

But when it comes down to it, it's not the trophy we need to value. But perhaps what came in winning or acquiring the trophy. Was it hard work, was it ethics? Was it discipline of saving money for the dream home or dream car? Was it sacrifice? Sure, trophies and awards are nice but what is really important? I "won" or "earned" two awards for my work at a gym. Don't ask me where the actual awards are-maybe I threw them away when I moved up here. But what I keep is the hard work, care and work ethic I put into my job. It was nice to be recognized but more importantly is what you put into your job, career, family, your self and loved one-- trophies, certificates and awards aside.

~pr~

Sun...Libra
Moon...Gemini (great day to write all you 'streamers' out there!)
Phase...disseminating (slowly leaving the full phase.)
Time...1:15 pm
Weather...warm, sunny, 74 degrees in DC
Sound...Kelly Clarkson, "Because of You."
Mood...alert
QuoteDiva Sez: "I've been dieting for a month but all I've lost is 31 days!" (that ones for all my fellow sistah's out there who are trying to lose weight and get back in shape. Me included! 25 pesky lbs!!)

Sabian Challenge: A young gypsy emerging from the woods, gazes at far cities.

Gemini 27 degrees. There is a desire to attempt or achieve something that is presently out of reach. Dreaming of becoming a part of something far off and larger than one's own sphere. Feelings of not belonging, alienation, abandonment of home and family.

... I actually had a strong feeling I would choose this one today! It's actually one of my favorite sabian symbols just because I have always liked the whole gypsy look and in fact in 1972 I demanded that my mom make me a gypsy costume for Halloween! She was a wonderful seamstress and she made a hot looking outfit (flowing skirt, earring, bodice, bandanna, the whole nine yards.) Everything but a tambourine!

BUT as luck would have it, I did get to have a tambourine in 1975 when I got to be in a ballet version of La Traviata. I played a little gypsy and we danced with,..YES TAMBOURINES!

But back to the symbology of the gypsy coming from the woods...

The older I get, the more I realize yes, I have had a problem of belonging. I'm sure a counselor or therapist would say it had something to do with me finding out I was adopted the way I did and with losing my family before the age of 26...I'm guessing, I don't know but like I said, the older I get, the more I realize these things came into play.

From the ages of birth to ten I was an Army brat and traveled around the world. I never stay anywhere longer than 2 years so when you are just starting to really make friends, you leave.

At the age of 18 I accidentally ("accidentally?) came across the papers that said I was adopted. Up until then I knew nothing.

I came from a small family, dad, mom, grandma. By August of '87 they were all gone.

I married into a huge family and when they would get together at holidays and such, I'd find myself feeling like I was on the outside looking in. They didn't mean to alienate me it just happened because they would go back in time with their family tales and I had no connection. I also built up a brick wall to a certain extent because I wasn't happy with their son and brother. (my ex)

And now I find myself 1000 miles away from where I called home for 29 years. There isn't too much for me to do here right now. I have no car (yet) and we live a bit of a distance from anything. I'd get a job but my fiance insists that I take a couple of months off. And to be honest, I don't mind most of the time.

But this life is a little too easy for me right now! I'm used to working! And the last 5 years when I was on my own, I did nothing BUT work. At times I had 2 to 3 jobs. I taught preschool, worked in a kids' room watching them while their mommies and daddies went off to spin class or to have 2 hours to themselves. I taught cardio dance and I babysat on the side. I was a busy camper.

I had to...to keep my nose above the water line and to pay a child support that rivals what most people have to pay for 3...(that's what I get for not having a lawyer )

Back to my point,..here I sit, having been rescued from a very stressful life. And while I so appreciate the fact that fiance just wants me to recuperate and enjoy not having a boss for awhile, deep down, I feel like I need to be doing something.

Every once in awhile I try and explain to myself that this is a time for you to get back in shape and go within! But as some of you know, going within is tough! And you know whatelse...a very lonely proposition. All you have is you, looking at you!

And sometimes you don't like what you see!

I feel so detached from my past. I don't like that feeling. I don't like this feeling of not knowing what my heritage is, my family tree, stuff like that. I want to belong. Deep down, I don't feel I "belong"

Yes, I "belong" to my immediate family, kids and fiance and his small family but there is a huge piece of myself that I don't know and that I can't seem to tap into because I haven't found it yet.

For those who aren't adopted who have always known (and perhaps been driven crazy by family ) It's hard to explain. Some of my friends have even said, "at this age, why does it even matter? You've lived a good life!" And it's true. I was a happy adoption story! NO DOUBT! But you just can't turn off the feeling.

This overwhelming feeling that I didn't belong started the moment I found out I was not theirs biologically. It was the one time in my life when I had an out of body experience. My mom was in the hospital (again) this time for her second mastectomy and I was 18 and I was finally starting to grasp how dire this was for my mom (back then, 1980...it was dire, things have improved immensely for people with breast cancer.) I was snooping through all my dad's army papers for any information on my mom, medically speaking. I wanted to know what the chances were that I would have cancer.

I didn't ask dad because my parents didn't talk to me about it, ever.

Hell if they couldn't tell me I was adopted, would they tell me anything about mom's condition?

About an hour into my search, I found it, I found the paper that told me everything I needed to know. It wasn't much but it was enough.

I suddenly saw myself sitting on the bed. (projected myself out of my body...the mind is a marvelous computer after all, especially in times of shock and trauma.) After that, I spent the next hour walking around and looking at all our photos. I kept thinking, you SOBs, why didn't you tell me. What a big joke. Who else knows? I don't even look like you.

I felt betrayed. This was March. I didn't tell them until July 4, 1980. And even then they didn't tell me much of anything. All mom said was she didn't tell because she was afraid I'd go look for my mother. My dad went along with whatever mom wanted.

I have forgiven them...years ago! But the questions remain. And now unless I find out the answers myself, I'm out of luck. There is no one to talk to about me, my beginnings, my history so to speak.

And what about the young mother that gave me up? Is she curious? Does she think of me each May 20th. Is she even alive anymore.

I may not be very busy physically right now but mentally there is a lot going on. Next year will be a very busy year for me, career wise, emotionally and mentally! I am going back to school, looking for my biological mother and trying a brand new career.

So... I guess I should relax and enjoy these blissfully boss and stress free days. Work on ME, lose that 25lbs and work on getting back in touch with me! The first person I need to feel not so alienated from,...

...me!

~pr~
PS) I have a theory that my adoptive dad is my real dad..maybe next year I'll find out for sure. I wouldn't mind if he had been. I loved him dearly.

Sun...Libra
Moon...Taurus (good for gardening)
Phase...still full phase
Time...2:30pm
Weather...high's in the 70's (come on, two days ago I was seeing my breath!? Weird ass DC weather!)
Sound...Barry White,.."I'm gonna' love you, love you, love you..."
Mood...rested!
QuoteDiva..."It is only the mediocre man that is great at what he does." -anon.

SabianChallenge: 25 degrees of Aries. A double promise reveals its inner and outer meanings. Look back to promises that were made. Simple promises can be more complicated than first thought. The rational and emotional responses can conflict with each other.

"double promise" ahh, the first thing I think of is "marriage" and I go back to a beautiful spring day in 1987 when I said "I do" to a guy named,..we'll call him Mr. Virgo.

We had known each other since 1984 and he was friends with my boyfriend at the time. By 1986, boyfriend and I were headed towards the altar (boyfriend pretty blase about the whole thing, take it or leave it, his mom, very excited.) and Mr. Virgo was divorced.

By the end of 1986 however, Mr. V and I got together. We had more in common. And yes, it did complicate things! I am making a long story short. As it turned out, I cheated on my boyfriend but Mr. Virgo also let me know that boyfriend was is and will probably always do drugs. I didn't believe him. How could a man I lived with for two years do drugs and me not know about it? I wasn't a drug user and I was blind to the signs I guess. Mr. V told me to go out and look in boyfriend's car. AHH,..the proof was under the seats of the car, the car that he drove me around in on almost a daily basis.

So while I felt disrespected about the drug use (boyfriend knew it was a no-no with me) I was disrespecting him by cheating.

But it gave me artillery to get him out of my life. GO GET OUT YOU DRUGGIE!!!

The wedding plans were over of course. Boyfriend and I went to neutral corners.

Oh and I was pregnant and it was Mr. Virgo's baby.

When boyfriend found out he begged for me not to have the baby. He had delusions that we could make a fresh start.

I decided to keep the baby. (first "BEST" decision I made.)

Boyfriend moved out. Mr. V. and I got married.

A few months after my first was born I thought, what had I done.

Some people might call what happened to me for much of the first years of marriage rape. Subtle rape. But we were married so...

The bitterness and resentment in me grew. I might have left had I had sisters or brothers or parents. But I didn't.

In 1992 I made a horrible choice. I went out on the marriage. When my husband found out it was without a doubt, the worst day of my life. Worse than the death of mom, grandma and dad. I was so physically sick and emotionally tattered.

During the next few years there was some spousal incidents on his part. I don't want to say I was a victim. Because I would do things to him, but my things weren't physical, directly. I would get back at him in other ways.

I had some on line dalliances. But they were just symptoms of bigger problems.

In 1996 things came to a head again. Once again my choices brought me to a brink of emotional collapse. But lucky for me, I am unable to go into depression...but damn, can I sink into a deep melancholy (I found out.) They are two different things. The latter is a lot easier to deal with and with my overriding optimistic nature, I always seem to land on my feet and greet the new day with a measure of hope.

In 1998 he hit me. He went to anger management and I was missing a tooth. He did not go to jail. Typical story...didn't want to send him to prison. I'd be in prison too..trying to deal with a house and three kids.

At NO time was he ever hurtful to the kids. He's a good dad. Well, not a great dad but he has always taken care of them. (I'm not the world's best mom so there!)

In 2001 it was the end. He said, "There's the door" I was scared shitless because I had no money of my own, no real support system in place out there but I knew that I had to go...I had to leap, knowing believing with all the faith I could muster that the net would indeed appear.

It did.

On March 20th 1987 we married, we promised to honor and love and cherish and all that stuff. On March 19, 2002 we were divorced.

We both broke promises.

We didn't go into it thinking that 14 years later we'd give up. We went in happily, gloriously, nervously promising. But we didn't do enough research before hand. We saw no religious people, didn't go to counseling, didn't live with each other prior. We got pregnant and we jumped right in. Look deep before you leap!

BUT I do not regret my time with him if it meant I'd have my three kids. Kharma and Dharma all the way! We had lessons to learn from each other and with each other. I truly believe our time together as a couple has helped us really refine what it is we need and want in the next important person in our lives. I for one am with a man that I love and get along with better and we have more in common on all levels.

When my fiance and I stand there before God and man and we make those promises, I truly believe that we will keep them. Rationally and emotionally we will have done our "homework."

*I was telling a fellow blogger that the number one reason I even do this blog is that while it may seem fatalistic, I find it more realistic that I am not going to live forever and I want my children and their children and perhaps THEIR children to know who I was. Some of this stuff will be hard for my kids to read. But I want to have a record. My own parents and grandmother left me very little.

I have long since forgotten the sound of my parents voices or how they moved. They are disappearing little by little from my memories. I don't want that to happen with me. I want my kids to remember me and know who I was, not just as their mother but as a person and a spirit having this all too human experience.

~PR~

Sun...Libra
Moon...Taurus (take a deep breath and say ahhhhhh)
Phase...full
Time...2pm
Weather...mild, sunny in DC
Sound...'Last Dance" (I don't care, I loved and STILL LOVE DISCO!)
Mood...brain is sloshy,..a little fuzzy.
QuoteDiva Sez: "Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off."

Sabian Challenge: (see message title.) 20 degrees of Taurus. There are so many choices but each choice has it's price. Be careful what yuo choose. Take what you need, enjoy it and realize the abundance that's happening in your life.

thinking...

EASY ONE! O.k., topic is CHOICES. If I was to write down under column A all my choices and under column B all my good choices there would be many that would be under both A and B. For example:

= having kids, getting married, getting divorced...
= having kids, getting married, getting divo..wait, anyway you slice it, THAT was a choice!

My worst choices have been quitting school, having an affair, being recruited by a Janet Reno lookalike Stepford wife-type for a short three month stint in the Mary Kay Army >:p

Best would be having my kids (all jokes aside), becoming a dance teacher, a preschool teacher and saying yes to my fiance when he asked me to marry him!

Not too much time to write today but I do want to end with this wonderful bit of advice I found in an "O" magazine. (Is there anyone else out there that wonders why Oprah really feels the need to plaster her face on the cover of EVERY SINGLE edition?? Just curious ) I don't get the magazine but this one is breast cancer awareness heavy and since my mom died of it...thought I wanted to purchase it...

...."If your waiting for the right answer to end all uncertainty, look no further: The answer to every "what if" question (which I got from a fabulous teacher named Nancy Whitworth, who got it from her special-needs students) is 'som'n else.' What will you do if you make the wrong choice? Som'n else. If you lose your job? Som'n else. If your fiance stomps your heart into a pulsating pancake? Som'n else. Using this principle, we can formulate a complete guide to life:
1.)Do anything.
2.)See if you feel happier, more alive or more miserable and dead.
3.)If it feels bad, do som'n else.
4.)Repeat if necessary.

Oprah Magazine
October 2006
Author-Martha Beck

I suggest reading the whole article of course!

Happy Birthday to my oldest, dearest friend, Linda. Linda, wasn't it only yesterday you and I were playing Pong together in your parent's bedroom? And playing Hobbits in the woods behind my house! (And that was well before the whole HOBBIT explosion!!! You were always ahead of your time!! #44 I made a great choice when I chose to become your friend that warm September day at the bus stop, 1975 ((((hugs)))You are right, we are forever connected by that golden twine of karma and dharma.

~PR~

Sun...Libra
Moon...Aries
Phase...Full
Time...5:20pm
Weather...I saw my breath today! That does NOT happen in FL in October!! Overcast and drizzly in DC.
Sound..."Jive Talking" (oh YEH! Now I'm in 9th grade...waxing nostalgic!)
Mood...the very tail end of a slight hangover from too many gin and tonics. I can't handle the adult beverage like I useta'!
QuoteDiva sez: "Constipated people don't give a crap."

Sabian Writing Challenge: "A Small Girl Bends Over a Sparkling Pond To Catch a Fish." You may find yourself unable to grasp the meaning, but still you are fascinated by what is happening. Innocently reaching out for experiences can bring rewards and beauty. Curiosity, childhood games. Frustration of not getting what one wants!

Pretty thinks....(drums fingers...)

Alright, it's about childhood today! Here goes. About ten years ago I saw this fascinating documentary called "7-Up" have you heard of it? Back in 1963 these guys interviewed about 14 English kids from all kinds of various backgrounds and then every 7 years after, the kids were re-interviewed. At the time it was "35 Up" and they played "7 Up" right after. It was so damned interesting. Well my fiance and I were talking about the show this summer and we were both like,.."YOU SAW IT TO?? I thought I was the only one that knew about it! The show aired on a public tv station where I was living at the time. He saw it too 1000 miles away.

So we rented all the Up series from Blockbuster and we had an UP Marathon! And "49 Up" will be in selected theaters soon!!!

One of the premises was that what you have at the age of 7, who you are is pretty much what you will be as an adult. Some things change a bit and some things change A LOT but what you are deep, deep down, your essence if you will, I don't think does change. Certain tragic things can certainly screw with that and thereby rewire the brain so those incidents aside, I buy into the idea.

I will give me as an example and I wish my parents were still alive to tell me what I was REALLY like but since they aren't, I'll have to go on memory.

I recall being a bit chatty in school. Silly at home with my mom. Probably drove her nuts. I respected authority. I was always on the go. I would rather run than walk. I was curious, verbal, engaging. I enjoyed painting and drawing and writing my own little books (usually about rocks! I was a bit of a rockhound at 7.)

It was at 7 that my father gave me what I feel was one of the best gifts I ever got, a tape recorder. Man, I played with that thing all day long, pretending I was a disc jockey. And I was doing "talk radio" ten years before I had even discovered talk radio! I would do different voices, interview everyone from my mom to the neighbor's dog. I would incorporate music from my hi-fi (NOT WI-FI!)
and I would do monologues!

I was a ham. I loved "acting" and singing. The baton was my microphone. I didn't sleep much. I was horrrrible at math.

I was a happy go lucky kid. Polite, animated and loved.

What am I like now? I want to act. I want to sing. Have done a little of both in the past. I like to perform. I love to write (duh) and I still respect authority. I'm not as chatty in person but when I get nervous, I guess I do talk a lot only because I can't stand the uncomfortable silence. But I detest small talk (but can do it.) I am still basically a happy-go-lucky "kid" and an optimist.

I'm still curious and I'm still easily bored when I have to deal with details and getting bogged down by them irritates me. I'm a skimmydipper. Yes, you read right! SKIMmydipper. I tend to gloss over things, just like when I was a kid.

And I still suck at math! And I'm resigned to it.

This writing assignment could go on for awhile in regards to the subject of childhood but I think I want to stop there.

Wait! Favorite games as a kid: Operation/Tag/A Barrel of Monkeys/CandyLand/GnipGnop/and my all time favorite, "See-how-far-I-can-push-mom's-buttons-before-she-smacked-me-or-sent-me-to-my-room."!!

What were some of your favorite games...what were you like at 7?

Daughter "Virgo" you were always the kid that other kids came to with their "problems" and I knew then you would be a great mediator. You were mature and helpful and had a good sense of humor.

Son "Gemini" you were a handful. You could tear apart a steel ball. You were easily frustrated. You loved to draw and work with clay. You were inquisitive physically, not so much verbally.

Daughter "Capricorn" you were sweeet! You were nice to everyone and adorable! You loved to sing and dance and you were a little ham too!

Sometimes I still feel like that small girl...bending over the pond, looking for something. I can see it but when I go to grab it, it eludes me. I get frustrated. Time to grow up and find other more productive, effective ways to catch that fish!! Stop relying on others so much to catch the fish for me. Hah! Reminds me of that saying,..catch a fish, feed a man for a day, teach him to fish, he feeds himself for a lifetime.

I need to learn to "fish"

~PR~