Sun...Libra
Moon...Aq
Phase...1st Q.
Time...12:42pm
Weather...sunny, mild in DC
Sound...Leann Rimes,..."I need you like water like air, like rain..."...
Mood: Headache, too many gin and tonics last nite!
QuoteDiva sez: "The path of the warrior is lifelong, and mastering it is often simply staying on the path." -Richard Strozzi Heckler

I wasn't sure what I was going to write about as I closed my entry yesterday. I said I would have to sleep on it. I did and then I woke up and still wasn't sure.

Then I got this crazy idea. It would be a bit of a writer's challenge but perhaps fun for me. Definitely an original idea for coming up with topics. For those of you who know and understand what I mean by a Sabian Symbol, this will make more sense.

Unless I am so inspired to do otherwise, I decided to randomly choose a symbol a day and let that guide me in what I am to write about. There are 360 of them...that's a lot of topics and when I've reached the end of them, my blog will be complete. This could take 6 months or 6 years! Who knows. I may bail two weeks into it or when my life starts getting too busy. Right now, I have the time to explore this writing challenge. And so it goes:

13 degrees of Taurus is the Porter symbol. Here I go:

Two days ago my oldest daughter, we'll call her Virgo tells me that she just talked to younger sister, we'll call her Capricorn, and that Cappy is having some problems with a particular trouble-making girl at school and that she might have to fight her. Now if you knew my young 15 year old Cap. you'd see that she is not the kind to fight and never has. She seemed troubled by this other girl and she stressed about her father (my ex) not thinking she is standing up for herself enough if she chooses to back down from anything this girl is dishing out.

I got upset. I felt guilty I was 1000 miles away. I wanted to beat this other kid up (not really, but you know how us mommies are, kinda' like she tigers when their cubs are in danger! I too am not a fighter. Never been in a fight in my life! I like it that way!)

My oldest told me about this at 11 at night so I couldn't rightly call my youngest and talk to her about this situation right then and there. I had to wait until she got home from school the next day.

But for all that time, I owned the problem and it bothered me. I felt helpless and frustrated that my daughter didn't have me physically to lean on.

When I talked to her the next day I asked her to tell me about it and 5 seconds into the conversation I thought I heard a familiar noise.

"Are you typing Cappy?"
"Yeh, I'm instant messaging."

Hmm...and the tone of her voice was not of a stressed out victim, but a bubbly, somewhat distracted 15 year old who was multi-tasking.

She was vague about the other girl. She basically said it was one of those pesky social problems. One of those "whatever" type deals.

I asked her, "On a scale of 1-10, how much should I worry about this?"

She replied, "a five."

I don't know if she gave it a 5 because she knew there was nothing I could do about it if I wanted to. Maybe it was her way of protecting me. Or was it really not a big deal?

Sometimes it's so hard to be so far away from my younger two.

Anyway, the theme of today's post is "other people's baggage."

I'm in a good place here, other than my daughter, I don't really have a problem with other people's baggage. I don't have to take care of elderly parents, I don't have to deal with siblings, my oldest is pretty self sufficient but I find myself taking on a mom's role and worrying about her even when she's not asking me to worry about her (you can't turn it on and off Virgo daughter) she'll understand more about that when SHE'S a mom.

I don't tend to take on other people's problems. Sometimes, in the past, I've even streamlined people from my life when I could because their energy was sucking the life force from me. Some people you're stuck with in your life but some people, you actually do have a choice if you continue to be in their immediate world or not. Unfortunately, I had to do this with my best friend.

I guess it's one of the reasons I'm not a good friend. I like to stay in touch with many people via email but I could care less if I see a lot of them or not. I have many acquaintances but the amount of true friends I have, I could count on one hand. I often joke about myself that I don't have a circle of friends, I have a triangle at best.

I have too much of my own petty baggage to deal with other people's so I'm not a great PORTER for you. My shit's heavy enough for me.

Whether or not she was just trying to ease my mind or it really was no big thang,..I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and I chose not to "own" my young Cap's social problem. She's going to have to deal with more of that in the real world once she gets into the work world anyhoo....

Sooo..if you have a piece of luggage you need me to carry for you..sorry, my hands are full with my own Samsonite ensemble!



~PR~

...of a special room in an art gallery (If you understand that, fine, if not, just let it go, it's not important.)

Sun...Libra
Moon...Aq.
Phase...1st Q.
Time...2:05pm
Weather...sunny 75 in DC
Sound...Matchbox 20..."just a little unwell, how I used to be..."...
Mood...
QuoteDiva sez: "The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life!" -George Carlin

I'm trying to re-ground myself thru knowledge and truth about my past. I'm trying to reidentify myself with my own archetypal "essence". I'm tired of feeling restless, confused and frustrated about certain aspects of my life.

O.k., yesterday I said I'd give a nutshell version of myself.

Logistically: Born in Costa Rica, moved to Panama, then Okinawa, Germany and when dad retired from the Army in '72, he moved Mom and I to Fl. and that's where I stayed until April of this year.

Academically: Your average B student in school. Graduated in Jan. of 80 thinking it would give me a headstart on my big ole dancin' career. Tried college a couple of times. First time I thought I'd try for Mass Communications. Then I shot for Elem. Ed. and finally, in '85 I gave it one last 'college try' ha ha..pun intended.. for Preschool Ed. (yes, they have that and you have to take Algebra to work with a two year old, funny!) Completed a two year Apprenticeship program for Child Care Development in 2000.

Career: Dancer, Dance teacher for a very long time...over 20 years. Eight years as a preschool teacher (and NO YOU DONT NEED ALGEBRA,..I got in through the back door I spose.)MOM

Jobs: Warehouse tool packer, factory work (making medical and surgical supplies.) babysitter, data entry, office go-for. MOM

Personal Life: Army brat, no siblings. Small family, grandma joined us in '73. Happy kid, non-rebellious teen. Pregnant and married by 24. Three kids, frustrated, annoyed, exasperated young mom. Disgruntled, unhappy 30 year old. Walked out at 39, divorced at 40 and engaged by forty-four! I have three great teens. Ready for a huge career switch.

Personality: Words that have been used to describe me have been things like talented, witty, smart, funny, creative, warm, enthusiastic, hard working, pretty, attractive and gorgeous. (I'm not gorgeous-and by the way, I do not personally describe myself as "gorgeous")vivacious, patient and optimistic.

I would use many of those words to describe myself but I would also add: not great friend material (I don't put in what needs to be put in for long term friendship. ) Sentimental, not very romantic, easily annoyed, insecure, restless, nervous, lacking confidence, excitable, a people pleaser to some degree and not very smart with day to day runnings of a household..actually pretty retarded when it comes to stuff like that. Independently dependent. A bit of a loner to a certain degree. Sociable. Quick to apologize. Non-confrontational.

Religion: I strive to be a "BeGood-DoGoodist." (Raised Roman Catholic)

Politics: I believe in a strong defense and yet I would hate to have to send my son to war...what does that make me?

Hobbies: Astrology (more than a hobby, been into it since I was 15)
Music, movies, writing, emailing friends, reading, traveling, watching tv.

Looks: Costa Rican, Mexican, French, Spanish. My fiance and I have gained weight since first meeting each other! He's a great cook and I don't work out like I did when I lived in FL and worked at and worked out at the local gym. I've gained 25lbs and I'm disgusted with myself. I need to lose it and he needs to lose about 7 (don't seem quite fair! I'm 5'2 and 142-144. I got a long road to hoe as I don't lose weight fast. I'm just not that active anymore. But I will do it. Do you watch, "Ugly Betty?" She could be a cousin (in general looks.) It'll be interesting to see whatelse I might be when I find out more about my past. I only know for sure what my bio. mom was.

And with that, I'm going to call it a blogday.

I'm not sure what I want to discuss tomorrow. I'll have to sleep on it.

~P.R.~

Sun...Libra
Moon...Capricorn
Phase...1st Q.
Time...5:30pm
Weather...sunny in DC
Sound...the news
Mood...mellow
QuoteDiva sez..."Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you make it shallow so that I can feel the rain." -Dave Matthews

"Kharmedy" Is that a new word? Did I coin a new phrase? Hmm...that'd be fascinating. On the off chance I did, my father is winking from his *special* vantage point (wherever that may be He was a wonderful writer and majored in English in college. He was always encouraging me to do something with my writing and get into journalism. Not my bag man,...me, more the creative writing type. He might have even gotten into this whole blogging thing but unfortunately, he died in 1987, well before PCs and Internet for all.

I am the tail end of the BABY BOOMER generation but among them none-the-less. That means unlike the younger generation, people my age (40-44) were kids of the 60s where the most "technical" we got in our youth was working the knobs on our Etch-A-Sketches !! Then we matured into the 70s and woo-hoo, we rocked with our Atari PONG games and Toot-A-Loop radios. We continued our growth spurt in the 80s where we killed on PAC MAN and gave setting the time on our VCRs our best shot!

Blogging....nothing new to me....correction, the FORMAT is new but the idea behind it is very, very old. I was blogging in my own way from the time I was 13 or 14. It was called keeping a diary. Or in my case, keeping a "journal" (Diary seemed too fru fru; I was a WRITER DAMN IT! I didn't keep a 'DIARY')

I no longer keep a hand written journal. The last time I did that was in '92 for my 30th year. I'm too lazy to do much of any kind of writing by hand. I love typing. Always have. I've been typing since 1972 so it's second nature. So this is very much ME, the only thing different, other people might be reading this?

If they do, that's great! If they like it, even better. If they don't, well,...let the consolation be, it's not your life and you have the freedom of averting your computer eyes! If you get something from reading about MY life, wow. If you don't, I shrug my shoulders and "oh well" it into my next moment and the next and the next.

What I'm really doing is keeping a journal. Recording my thoughts and feelings. If I die tomorrow, my kids and fiance and friends will be able to read it. You are reading a journal of a woman who lost her family and a lot of her past and so I'm extra aware of trying to hang onto memories. In fact, it's this strong desire to sort out and reclaim my past that will be fueling my future.

What do I mean by this? A lot of the story will come in bite size chunks of blog. But I can tell you that I'm fed up with and can no longer tolerate my seeming enigmatic, mysterious beginnings.

I'm tired of not having things (material things) from my past. And the older I get, the further and further away from the good things in my past years I get and my memories become more faded. I don't have any friends from my first 10 years to talk to about our shared past. The friends I had in my teens and younger adult years just aren't there much anymore and if they are,..well we just don't have the time and logistics to get together and wax nostalgic.

I don't have my parents or any brothers or sisters to help me validate memories. Am I remembering something or is a photograph helping me to remember? Did it really happen at all? I've lost things I grew up with due to big moves, fires and other circumstances. In some cases, I tossed things out THEN because I could not know how important they would be NOW. So the things I have now, I'm hanging onto and before I forget, I feel the urgency to record as much as possible. I wish I had more from my parents. I can't even remember what they sounded like or how they moved. I have home movies but it will cost thousands to have them put on dvd (but I definitely plan on it.)

There are other things I want to accomplish in my life. I want to go back to school and take writing classes. I want to take acting classes. I just recently finished up an 8 year career as a preschool teacher. Before that, I was a dancer and dance teacher. Ultimately, I want to use my skills, talents and interests to inspire and help others. I have some thoughts but at this writing I'm not sure exactly what I'll do or how I'll do it.

I want to find my biological mother and find out more about how I came into the world. I found out I was adopted when I was 18 and even after that, I got very little information.

I want to continue having the honor of watching my three children grow. They are 19, 17 and 15.

And I am blessed to have finally found my soulmate. All part of the Chapter 2 concept. This is the man I will spend the rest of my life with. I hope, barring anything tragic or unexpected getting in the way.

My Life: Utter Drama and Mundane Ho-Hum (subtitled: 1962-2006)


Next Up: *PRETTY RUBBLE IN A NUTSHELL*

My life was, not too long ago, described as "Attractive Rubble." It was one of those backhanded compliments. You know, you're pretty but your life was in a bit of a tailspin or sticky wicket? But you looked great!!! The timing just wasn't right because the circumstances of my life were not up to his ideal but damn it girl, YOU LOOKED GOOD!!!

In giving my blog a title, I thought, oh that's perfect! But "attractive rubble" didn't sound right so I took literary license and changed it but whether "pretty", "attractive" or "gorgeous".... it's not so much the outside, the packaging if you will,...it's the inside that I'm going to be exploring, redefining and refining over the next I don't know how many years.

I'm 44 and in what I call Chapter Two of my life. I call it that because I am not where I was two or five or twenty years ago. I'm in a good place materially speaking but I'm still very much that attractive rubble on the inside.

Many factors (decisions on my part) got me to where I am today. In some cases, others did the deciding for me but ultimately I realize I have free will and while I can bitch all I want,..bottom line: It's MY FAULT. I take responsibility for it. And now while things on the outside are going much better, I still have work to do on the inside.

My journey starts with a single step...."trying". It won't be easy and I don't know how long it will take. I hope I get to where I want to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually. But I have to realize, it's the process, not the product.

P.R.